GEORGETOWN- A Pew Research Center recently-released poll suggests that Georgetown students were only able to accomplish 8% of their previously stated winter break goals. “Working out,” “finding job/internship,” “reading new book,” “volunteering in community,” “making it out of bed more than twice a day,” and “Jesus Christ, anything at all productive” were among the most […]

Failing to mention the drunk driving accident that killed both of his parents Christmas morning, Jeremy Heisner (COL ’15) expressed to an acquaintance Tuesday that his winter break was “pretty good,” sources confirmed. Striving to maintain propriety despite having attended his parents’ funeral less than 72 hours before, Heisner reportedly told Michelle Delaine (COL ’16), […]

LEVEY CENTER- In a 25-1 vote Georgetown University Student Association instituted a temporary new student greeting that mandates students begin any interaction with the phrase: “hey, how was your break?” The mandatory greeting is expected to be imposed for at least one week, but could extend further for awkward conversations with rarely- seen acquaintances. “This […]

Eyewitnesses described it as “cordial chaos” and “pleasantries run amok.” Several witnesses reported seeing individuals leave the scene completely socially bewildered. Sources report the event, an ESCAPE retreat ice breaker, began innocently enough. “Letʼs go around and just say our name and where weʼre from,” ESCAPE leader Neal Chaudhuri (Col ʼ16) purportedly said to initiate […]

VERIZON CENTER- Markel Starks and the Hoyas pulled out a nail bitter against visiting opponent Visitation Prep. “You know it was pretty crazy to be out there playing against my alma matter [Visitation Prep], but Iʼm proud of the heart we played with,” said Starks. “We never gave up.” Starks dropped 23 and junior Joshua […]

NORTH POLE – More than 40 students marched to the North Pole from Red Square this past weekend to a present petition on labor standards to Santa Claus. “Every year millions of Georgetown students go home over winter break to open presents and no one stop and thinks about where these presents are coming from […]

RIGGS LIBRARY- This past weekend University President John DeGoia held a fundraising dinner in Riggs Library as a special thank you to donors who had made significant contributions to the Universityʼs endowment. “I want to thank each and everyone of you for your generosity,” said DeGoia, “Because of your help, we are well on our […]

Georgetown students rejoiced this week following an announcement from Wisemiller’s Grocery & Deli that the store will now be offering free delivery by means of drones. Long a favorite of Georgetown students, “Wisey’s”—as the deli is affectionately called—is famous for its popular sandwiches, including the Burger Madness, the Chicken Madness, and the Hot Chick. Yet […]

Georgetown DPS officers arrested the entire staff of the University Information Services yesterday after it was discovered that the department was in fact a front for a major phishing scam. University administrators estimate that in the last three months, UIS gained access to the personal information of over 3,000 students through a carefully-organized campaign of […]

HARBIN – Preliminary reports indicate that Georgetown student Tim Hopkins (COL ’17), is, for some reason, really excited about staying on campus over Thanksgiving break. In contrast to the vast majority of Hoyas who will be returning home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family and friends, Hopkins will reportedly be spending the entirety of […]