GEORGETOWN. Reporters today were stunned when University President John J. DeGioia sheepishly announced in a press conference that he had “misplaced the endowment” but that he was “sure it’s around here somewhere.” “I don’t know where I could’ve put it,” DeGioia stated before taking questions. “I’ve checked all the usual spots. Under my car seats, […]

THE LIVING ROOM. After falling asleep on the couch whilst three-fourths of the way through a bag of spicy jalapeño Lays potato chips, all signs pointed to the fact that senior Joe Bianchi was down for the count. Or so everyone thought. At 1:36 a.m., fellow living room occupants reported that Joe had reawakened for […]

COPLEY LAWN. American culture is more celebrity obsessed than ever nowadays, and fame more desirable, but rarely do we think about the toll that fame takes on the famous. Georgetown resident groundhog Nathan Nibblin’ has learned this lesson all too well. Many Georgetown students remember his timber tossin’ exploits fondly, but Mr. Nibblin’ has a […]

COLUMBIA HEIGHTS. Despite promising Himself that He would be a more responsible spender this holiday season, Our Almighty Heavenly Father conceded this afternoon that he had recently made an impulse purchase of several trillion galaxies at his local Target. “Ugh,” God told the Heckler, holding His head in His hands, “Where am I going to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. In what is being called an unprecedented step in combating sexual assault, Georgetown University officials confirmed Tuesday that the Theater Studies Department will be offering a new course in not exposing one’s self to women while on set. The University’s decision comes amidst a growing number of sexual assault and harassment allegations against […]

CAPITOL HILL – Newly elected Louisiana Senator John Kennedy excitedly bounded up the steps of the Capitol Building on his most-recent visit to the Senate chambers. “I certainly know I’m not the most famous John Kennedy who has served in this building!” he laughed to himself as he passed through the heavily oak-paneled doors that […]

KALAMAZOO, MI. Calling it a defining moment in the 7th grader’s life, sources confirmed that Linden Grove Middle School student, Charlie Thompson, had been given a fun new nickname by his friends that makes reference to the 13 year old’s weight. “Originally I had hoped that I would be seen in the group for more […]

HEALY HALL. Apparently under the impression that he was teaching the assembled US Political Systems class, Jackson Wagner (SFS ‘20) made certain that the entire class knows that while the teacher’s interpretation of the reading was correct, at least on the surface, there were several major issues with it.   While usually confining himself to […]

Can You Convince Your Jesuit Professor To Give You God’s Hotmail Address? God doesn’t respond to your prayers, but maybe He’ll respond to your emails.   You want God’s email address so you can ask Him how long you’re supposed to microwave Chef Boyardee ravioli meat for. How do you initially broach this subject with […]