When it comes to a position as coveted and impactful as the GUSA Executive Office, one has to be prudent and careful before publicly advocating for a certain candidate. This is why, after long careful consideration of their commitment, work-ethic, and reliability, the Heckler would like to give our official endorsement to Enushe Khan and […]

The Heckler would like to extend a reminder to all of the current GUSA candidates: we do in fact accept bribes. We’ll take bribes in any form at any time. Money, beer, food, you name it. Want a nice, flattering article about how you once saved a small child from falling off of a bridge […]

WASHINGTON – Election season is in full swing on the Hilltop, and students are preparing themselves for what should be an exciting few weeks of getting to know the candidates and their platforms. But the burning question is, of course, which duo is the favorite to win it all this year? We checked with some […]

GEORGETOWN – With the election for the Georgetown University Student Association’s presidential team fast approaching, analysts are suggesting that the candidates probably support continuing to fund SAC, right? I mean, I think so. Through a series of targeted videos, which detailed the candidates’ teams, agendas, and major running points, the student body has a pretty […]

I am the man of my house: the ideal father and husband, I make my sweet daughter giggle; I chastise my smart son when he is a little too smart; and I always give extreme sexual pleasure to my lovely wife. But no matter what I do, I can’t get my caveman under control. All […]

DARNALL – After compiling and entering his personal information late Monday evening, Gerald Hammon’s (COL ‘20) program that he created to find his one true love encountered a fatal runtime error. “The program froze on the screen and then just took an abnormal exit, I have no idea what could of caused it” said the […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a tense, two-hour discussion on a variety of pressing political issues, the venerable Scat Master “Bee Bop” Johnson summarized the proceedings by stating, “Woo doo bop, shoo bop di wop wop zinga zoom baah.” After such a display of eloquence, the conference room in which the discussions were held fell silent […]

THE KITCHEN – In a display of principle and conviction, sources indicate that unless Mom extends TV time until 5:30p.m, 7-year old Bennett Schiffman will hold his breath until he dies. “Frankly, I was shocked” said Bennett’s mother, while fixing him and his friends a nice snack. “I knew he loved TV, but I didn’t […]

Valentine’s Day 2017 is filled with dread for a certain long neglected Georgetown University Work Order, who faces yet another February 14th alone. The disinterest of the facilities department stings the worst during the Valentine’s season, bringing up nostalgia for the bygone days of chivalry when maintenance requests were treated with compassion and respect. We are all reminded of […]

CAPITOL HILL – Gridlock continues for a third straight day in the Capitol as senators huddle around Lindsay Graham’s computer hoping to find out their next move. “We have a tight situation,” remarked Virginia Senator, Mark Warner. “We’re here trying to get the business of the nation done, but until Sarah posts her next status […]