HEALY HALL — Following a week in which it has come to light that Georgetown has been involved in three separate controversies that include mishandling sexual assault, neglecting racial discrimination, and underfunding psychiatric services, Georgetown University is now steeped in a pile of its own fecal matter. The administration’s streak of confronting serious problems with disproportionately feeble efforts […]

  POTOMAC, MD – Despite the estimated quarter million dollars and years of spirit maiming stress he will cost his parents throughout his childhood and adolescence, 7-year-old Jordan Watts remains entirely unaware of his existence being the root cause of his parents’ divorce.   Both of Jordan’s parents, Ben and Jillian, have separately corroborated their […]

HOUSTON, TX – The field for the Republican primary is crowded with colorful characters from all over the country, but with Jeb Bush marked as the establishment front-runner, it will take serious campaign ingenuity for a contender to leave with the nomination.   The primary fight is sure to be brutally competitive, with the strongest […]

Tsipras to the ECB: “Here are those Euros you were asking about.”  

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Brett Davis, intern at Strategies Solutions Inc., embarked on a wild, “totally bitchin’” journey back in time on Thursday morning with the office fax machine. As Davis opened paper tray 3 to fix a mysterious jam, he fell into a temporal wormhole that transported him, along with his copy machine, back to […]

ROSSLYN, VA – Following the discovery of a spider with a unique and irreplaceable life scampering across his kitchen floor, area Buddha Joseph Horn scooped the spider into a mug and released it into his garden. “My girlfriend was trying to get me to just get it with a napkin, but I was like, ‘no […]

DANBURY, CT – One day after giving their father a new pair of Nike running shoes for Father’s Day, the Edelson siblings remained unsure if the gift will inspire exercise as they had orignially hoped. “Yesterday when we told him they were great for jogging he just chuckled and said, ‘Great.’  What does that even mean?” […]

ICC — Georgetown University’s Office of Public Affairs announced earlier today that Intercultural Center architect MC Escher is set to receive a lifetime achievement award for his central role in planning the landmark building.  Vice President of Public Affairs Derrick Tollhouse wrote in a campus-wide e-mail today that “Escher’s crucial input in crafting this perception-warping […]

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HEALY HALL – A representative for the Office of the President told reporters on Monday that President DeGioia is still sure that Jack Sr., the beloved Georgetown mascot who passed away on June 3rd, only left to live on a farm in western Pennsylvania.   Patricia Moore (COL ’16), a summer assistant, said that the […]