WEST GEORGETOWN — In a devastating blow to the Georgetown neighborhood association’s movement to restrict the University’s growth, the last Georgetown resident older than the University passed away at the age of 247. Martha Copperfield passed away peacefully early this evening from complications of a case pneumonia contracted after the end of the Great War. […]

The D.C. metropolitian transportation service today welcome its newest metro line: the ‘Fusia’ line. Heckler reporters were on hand to bring pictures back to its readers:  

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL — Doctors from Georgetown Hospital’s General Surgery department described senior finance major Sheila Barnhorn (MSB ’15) as “resting comfortably” on Monday following a two hour surgery to have her creative bone removed. Anxious friends and family were relieved to hear the doctor’s announcement in the waiting room that the routine procedure had […]

THE PENTAGON —Despite months of publicity by Defense and State Department Officials, the premier of the new series of “Syrian Airstrikes,” a spin off of the “Iraq War” was trounced in the ratings Monday night by the NBC variety show “The Voice.” While the premier of season 7 of “The Voice” drew just over 12 […]

WASHINGTON COMMUNITY HOSPICE — Hailed by university administrators as a lucrative way to increase Leo O’Donovan Hall’s market share, posters reading “It’s Never too Late for a Meal Plan” have recently been placed in every room of the Washington Community Hospice.   “It really is never too late for a meal plan,” remarked Karrie Kuntz, […]

HARBIN — Reversing course after weeks of mounting pressure from his roommate and visitors to his seventh floor Harbin room, freshman Isaac Dulles (SFS ’18) moved on Monday to unilaterally authorize Febreze strikes against the mounting pile of dirty laundry in the corner of his room. Although initially opposed to such action, Dulles relented after […]

WASHINGTON — The NFL suspended the Washington Redskin’s name indefinitely on Sunday following the revelation of a shocking Wikipedia article linking the word “redskin” to the 522 year-long brutal oppression of Native Americans.   National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell reversed course after 82 years of unsanctioned activity by the team and told reporters Monday […]

36th STREET — Following a daylong political rally by the White House in which student-run organization Hoyas For Immigrant Amnesty demanded immediate naturalization for all 11.7 million illegal immigrants, the group unceremoniously kicked out a half dozen party crashers from their evening festivities. At approximately 11:30 p.m. that evening, Communications Officer Terrance Ricker (MSB ’16) […]

HARBIN FIELD — Calling it “the first step in the journey toward manhood,” the Georgetown University football team anxiously anticipated its first victory against Brown University as the final seconds ticked away. “I’m really proud of these guys. It’s a special day for all of them,” said Head Coach Ron Sglarta. “They finally found a […]

O STREET — A visibly intoxicated John Kerry reportedly spent his Thursday night inquiring from the stoop of his O Street house about the social going-ons of the evening. Described as slumped against the railing for much of the evening and into the early hours of the morning, the current Secretary of State would ask […]