Only 16 Killed in this Year’s A Capella Recruitment Season
By Ed Nonymous | September 9, 2014
GONDA THEATRE — In what observers are celebrating as “a massive prevention of bloodshed,” the seven Georgetown a cappella factions agreed early this week to an uneasy truce. A last minute power sharing agreement at the Gonda Theatre between the Phantoms, Saxatones, and Chimes prevented the already volatile situation from sliding into further chaos. Although […]
All-Knowing Freshman Already Understands How to Fix Georgetown
By Ian Cognito | September 9, 2014
Less than two weeks into his first semester, freshman Timothy McPherson (SFS ’18) delivered a rousing oration yesterday in Leo O’Donovan Dining Hall about how he would “fix” Georgetown to his classmate over lunch. “I said something about how the chicken was kind of dry, and that just seemed to set him off,” said Chris […]
Study Abroad Profile Pictures Receives Only 42 Likes: Declared “Not Even Abroad”
By Miss Terri Righter | September 8, 2014
PARIS — Wendy Christensen (COL ’16) had been anticipating what many consider the most important moment of studying abroad at the Sorbonne ever since she submitted her application last spring: a new profile picture. She arrived in Paris, France one week ago, moved into her new dorm and purchased her first gluten-free croissant. “I seriously […]
Acquaintances Enter Into Like Exchange Accord
By Ed Nonymous | September 8, 2014
Riggs Library — Amid much fanfare and celebration sophomores Ana Kinsley (NHS ’17) and Morgan Everdeen (SFS ’17) formally signed a like exchange agreement on Tuesday in Riggs Library. At a joint press conference following the signing, Kinsley and Everdeen stressed the significance of the event in “exponentially boosting social media image” for both parties. […]
Family Visiting D.C. Spends 37% of Trip in Line at Georgetown Cupcake
By Ed Nonymous | September 7, 2014
M STREET — Local reports have come in that the Howard family spent over one-third of its family vacation to Washington D.C. in line at local snack shop Georgetown Cupcake. Speaking via phone after returning home to Jackson Hole, Wyoming family patriarch Eric Howard described the trip as “awesome” and “everything the guidebooks produced by […]
Football Team to Begin Wearing Sperrys On Field
By Ed Nonymous | September 7, 2014
HARBIN FIELD — Saying that “there’s no way in hell it could hurt our chances,” head coach of the Georgetown football team Rob Sgarlata announced this week that the team will be transition from their Nike cleats to Sperrys. Looking for ways to jump start a team which has struggled in recent years and long […]
Report Finds Only 82% of Incoming Class Will Become President
By Ed Nonymous | September 6, 2014
GEORGETOWN — In a sobering shock to both the administration and student body, an estimate from the Pew Research Center concluded that only 82% of incoming Georgetown freshman this year will become president. The report, released yesterday, fell well short of the University’s 90% minimum presidency goal for the class of 2018. According to the […]
Wildly Optimistic Roommates Establish Ground Rules for Bringing Girls Back to the Dorm
By Ed Nonymous | September 5, 2014
VILLAGE C WEST — On Thursday evening freshmen roommates Darrel Christmas and John Rodgers sat down to discuss what each considered to be “a very pressing matter.” Showcasing a total lack of awareness for their low position on the desirability scale, a crippling absence of self confidence or experience and lack of clothes that weren’t […]