All Parties Simultaneously Playing “Ignition (Remix)”
By Ed Nonymous | September 4, 2014
WEST GEORGETOWN — A long speculated-about phenomenon occurred this Thursday evening as all 35 pre-games and parties occurring at Georgetown played R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” at the exact same moment. The Geo-Anthropological event, which experts described as having a 12% of happening on any given weekend night, came to fruition as every party, both off […]
In Annual Pagan Ritual, Hundreds of Hoyas Sell Souls to Consulting, Banking Idols
By Ed Nonymous | September 4, 2014
CAWLEY CAREER EDUCATION CENTER — In a Georgetown fall tradition hundreds of upperclassman students signed documents which allowed several prominent banking and consulting firms exclusive possession of students’ souls. Representatives from the Cawley Career Education Center called this year “a smash success in line with past years.” Although The Heckler has yet to see the […]
Well-To-Do Freshman Trashes Leo’s on Yelp!
By Ed Nonymous | September 3, 2014
The Georgetown Heckler has obtained an exclusive transcript of freshman Franco Shaumberg’s (SFS ’18) review of Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall. The Yelp! review reads as follows: “First and fore mostly, I cannot accurately discuss with words my disgust with this institution as a whole. From start to finish My disappointment with my Georgetown […]
Raid on Rhino Bar Snares Over-21 Year Old
By Ed Nonymous | September 2, 2014
M STREET — The Metropolitan Police Department temporarily suspended Rhino Bar & Pumphouse’s liquor license after undercover police officers discovered an over-21year old on the bar’s premises last weekend. The D.C. Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC) Board announced the five revocation of the license this Monday as a part of the police’s ongoing “Keep Adults out […]
Exchange Student from Ocean Not Doing Too Well
By Devyn | September 1, 2014
HEALEY LAWN — Expressing concern for the mental and physical wellbeing of her new roommate, junior Jennifer Lemieux (MSB ‘16) recently lamented that exchange student Fish may not be adjusting well to her study abroad semester at Georgetown University. “She’s super quiet, and I’m pretty sure that she’s just been laying on Healy Lawn since […]
Freshman Hitting On Each Other Pretending They Weren’t Complete Nerds in High School
By Ed Nonymous | August 31, 2014
NEW SOUTH — Over the din of the twenty three person party in New South dormitory 349 it became increasingly clear to outside observers that freshmen Nate Schumer (COL ’18) and Bridget Friedland (SFS ’18) were successfully concealing the fact they were large nerds in high school while hitting on each other. “Can I get […]