OUTER SPACE – Despite numerous, well-choreographed fist fights with henchmen and several tense confrontations in which our Hero naively declared that “good will always prevail,” reports indicate that the green, pulsating ancient relic that is somehow the key piece to Zorg’s plan for world domination has fallen right into his hands. According to our Hero’s […]

NATURE – Well, I suppose we have no choice but to turn our attention yet again to the so-called great outdoors. It looks like some bullshit is happening with the Great Barrier Reef or something. This fucking reef – let me tell you – it crops up in the news each year, and acts like […]

BRIDGEPORT, WV – Remarking on how nice it would be to be out of the dark, miserably hot coal mines, local miner Eric Harriot expressed his dream of finally living the high life serving food at a McDonalds. “Some people just don’t know how good they have it,” continued Harriot, “I’d kill for the chance […]

DARNALL  416 – Friends and peers alike have been avidly awaiting the Keith Masterson’s (NHS ’20) first sexual encounter. After almost a full year of posing as an “easy-going, fun-loving dude,” Masterson is ready for the elaborate scheme to pay off. His partner this evening is Marisol Ortega (COL ’20). A beautiful brunette from Bogota […]

GEORGETOWN – After weeks of escalating tension, early this Thursday morning the stalemate between a sophomore student who had not yet changed his Net ID password and the university computer system entered its final 24 hours. At approximately 7:30a.m. the system issued its most terrifying threat to date, writing “if you delay or forget, your […]

BETHESDA – I have a harrowing – yet eye-opening – experience to share. My friends and I let our weird roommate be the group sponsor for housing this year, and, next thing I know, a local Papa John’s in Bethesda is where I’m now calling home. Yep, it sounds strange. You wouldn’t believe how fast […]

WASHINGTON, DC – A report released Monday evening by the Bureau of Justice Statistics revealed a shocking study showing that Spy was almost 4 times more likely to be arrested than Spy. “The numbers tell a pretty disturbing story. We can’t have dangerous individuals like Spy out there threatening those citizens just trying to do […]

The Trump administration has been criticized in recent weeks for the apparent nepotism at play in the appointing of Ivanka Trump as an official advisor to the President. Trump defended giving his daughter such a prominent role in the administration, saying that since she was already married, he could not secure her position in society […]

To Whom It May Concern, You are fools. You hold up this silly Bulldog on high. That dog with his sad, unimpressed face. And that silly human name you’ve given him. “Jack,” is it? Surely he detests you, you must know that. Perhaps you do not, but I shall pretend no longer. I often wonder […]