WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent reports have shown that a perfectly benign-looking local seventh grader is actually the ruthless autocrat of a sprawling Minecraft kingdom. The ostensibly kind youth presides over a complex political machine, demanding incalculable resources from territory that belongs to his friends, at punishment of death. “This is my server, you guys,” boomed the voice […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a botched beef stroganoff and two hours of circular, overly-polite conversation, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly re-ensured his six miserable dinner guests that they were, in fact, having a wonderful time. “Why do keep using that word? ‘Boring’. We didn’t use that word. It’s not boring. People need to understand how […]

Here it is folks. Someone’s finally done it. Over its many years as an institution of higher learning, many Georgetown students have wandered the sacred and historic campus grounds, perhaps eating a GUGS burger or just chatting with some friends about the latest pop culture. But underneath all that mirth, they have been all secretly […]

THE HECKLER WOULD LIKE TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC THAT THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL OUT OF THE ORDINARY OCCURRING. CONTRARY TO THE TONE IMPLIED BY THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS IN THIS POST, THERE IS NOTHING NOTEWORTHY TO REPORT. EVERYONE EXPERIENCING DISTRESS AT THE APPARENT URGENCY OF THIS RELEASE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE COMFORT. WE […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources in a lackluster senior’s closet, this freshly pressed blue suit is ready to score John Mitchell (COL’ 17) a job. While Mitchell has few desirably qualities and is overall a mediocre candidate, this well-fitted and starkly pressed two-piece is positive that it can outshine any and all of Mitchell’s […]

HARBIN – So! The shower stalls of Harbin 7 were unusually quiet – until this morning, when the notorious Shower Masturbator laid waste to Stall 7-C, leaving a sticking trail in his villainous wake. He left it in wreckage, strewn with his remnants and the markers of his power. “Yeah I heard it. Was right […]

HEALY— A Philodemic Society debate went off the rails this past Thursday when a routine cufflink-related disagreement escalated into a large-scale brawl. Members of the club who witnessed the chaos said that the brawl damaged three hundred-year-old oil paintings, five handcrafted mahogany chairs, and a number of fragile egos. “To be sure, The Philodemic Society […]

GOSHEN, EGYPT – As the Jewish people prepare for their flight from Egypt, their leader, Moses, reminded everybody to use the bathroom before they leave. In a public statement to his people, Moses said, “I know God will protect us, but this is going to be a hell of a trip. So why doesn’t everybody […]