GEORGETOWN HOSPITAL – Noting that his arm had in fact finished healing after spending the last eight weeks in a cast, Harrison Crenshaw’s (SFS ‘19) doctors nonetheless refused to remove the cast until the Chicago native returned with more signatures. “I treat all sorts of injuries here from fractured ankles to broken backs, but I […]

RED SQUARE – Stating that “everything we do, we do for our loyal voters who deserve better,” sources indicate that Garet and Habon have now been tabling for 37 straight days with nothing but water and political righteousness to keep them sustained. “Due to a disappointing outcome in this year’s GUSA presidential elections, we will […]

New reports confirm that the resident troll behind the door to an optional discussion section still hasn’t gotten a chance to try out any of the new material he’s come up with. The troll has been unable to unleash his new riddles for weeks now due the total lack of life on Walsh 395 at […]

REISS – Despite hours upon hours spent studying and comprehending required course readings, sources report that Junior David Rothstein will receive another disappointing C+ this semester after his participation grade was mercilessly sucker-punched by his crippling social anxiety. “This class places a large emphasis on me hearing from you,” threatened his professor maliciously, with mocking […]

CHURCH – Vice President of the United States Mike Pence was reportedly sitting solemnly in a church pew at a local Washington D.C. area same sex wedding. Pence was overheard quietly whispering “In the name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I object to this union” to himself during the vow ceremony. “Here it comes” […]

GEORGETOWN – In an effort to combat lagging print readership, Hoya executives have added a scruffy street urchin to their marketing team. Students should be on the lookout for the small boy’s ragged felt cap and prepubescent cries of “Extra! Extra! 5-page spread on GUSA spending!” as early as next month. The new strategy hopes […]

Georgetown – Early Friday morning, Hillary Clinton arrived on the campus which her husband once ran, and proceeded to ask a whole bunch of questions. Bill is a former resident of Harbin Hall and had made these streets his own territory for four solid years of sweet, sweet college romances. Hillary was found inspecting his old residence […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hark! It is that time of the year again. If you are a sports lover prepare to pick your jaw off the floor and put on a new pair of trousers, for the rumors are true: The Great Basketball has arrived. Many thought “it could not be,” but it does be. For […]

In society, women are rarely given equal pay or proper representation in positions of power, but once in a while, a strong progressive is adamant about treating men and women equally. This man is exactly that, he is a serial killer who targets men and women equally. According to numerous reports and research, serial killers […]