Following the increasingly desperate string of emails inviting students to “A Thanksgiving Dinner at Leo’s with Jack DeGioia,” the very lonely university president attended the celebration all by himself. Grabbing fistfuls of sloppy Joe mix and piling high the “turkey” halfheartedly prepared by Leo’s workers, DeGioia was disappointed and lonely but not entirely without hope. […]

Cleaning up in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, the university is replacing piping, repairing various ceilings and looking for that one tiny girl who got completely blown away by the storm. The girl in question, Shirit Pankowski (NHS ’16), ventured out to Leo’s to get some provisional Grab ’n’ Go and was last seen flying […]

Thanks to the still-damaged facilities in and around campus, the lack of power in some parts of the tri-state area and the utter decimation of the Jersey Shore, the whole of the undergraduate body has been reminded that global warming is still a thing, apparently. Citing the fact that historically rare storms are now occurring […]

A thrilled Jeremy Michelson (SFS ’15) is reportedly the only student to have run to Congress following the successful re-election of Tennessee Fifth District Congressman Jim Cooper. “WE DID IT! COOPER IS COMING BACK!” Michelson screamed as he ran all the way to the Capitol Dome, joining a crowd of zero as he cheered the […]

Former President Obama was dealt a crushing blow last Tuesday when he was defeated by Mitt Romney in the only election that counted: the one in our hearts. Though losing by a wide margin in the electoral college, Mitt Romney managed to capture a majority of sentiments on Tuesday, garnering every kind of support except […]

Taking what they have deemed as “the first step of the revolution,” Students of Georgetown, Inc., commonly known as The Corp, has completed a bloody and murderous coup of Saxbys, the popular coffee shop located just off campus. The coup, which the The Corp is referring to as “The Courp,” took place at 6:30 a.m. […]

In an unexpected survey result, the general population of the student body has agreed by vast majority that “all energy-saving initiatives should be scrapped and the university should emit more carbon dioxide in hopes that climate change will cause another hurricane.” The survey, which came on the heels of the uniquely decent Grab ’n’ Go […]