Licking his lips and rapidly tapping his fingers on a podium at a press conference on Tuesday, Georgetown University President John J. DeGioia unveiled a tentative plan to construct over 600 gazebos on campus over the next three years. “Gimmi those Gazebos!” shouted a visibly excited and slobbering DeGioia to an audience of confused reporters. […]
PENNSYLVANIA AVE — The man who jumped the White House fence and entered the building this month “just really, really needed to take a piss,” a Democratic congressman said on Tuesday. Representative Sam Farr (D-MA) told the Georgetown Heckler that he received reliable testimony that suspect Omar Gonzalez, 47, had difficulty finding a bathroom in […]
WASHINGTON COMMUNITY HOSPICE — Hailed by university administrators as a lucrative way to increase Leo O’Donovan Hall’s market share, posters reading “It’s Never too Late for a Meal Plan” have recently been placed in every room of the Washington Community Hospice. “It really is never too late for a meal plan,” remarked Karrie Kuntz, […]
Following a long and heated debate regarding the cultural theme of Georgetown University’s newest academic building, university administrators announced Friday that the recently completed Intra-Cultural Center will specifically focus on Serbian culture and accomplishments. Sorting through hundreds of potential cultures over the course of seven months, university officials and students finally came to an agreement […]
WHITE-GRAVENOR – For the first time in history, sources familiar with the alumni network of Georgetown University confirmed Friday that the network experienced a full and wide-reaching outage from which it is yet to recover. At roughly 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, September 10th, Georgetown alumni around the world are said to have become heavily […]
PINK HOUSE — In an attempt to maintain high spirits in lieu of the ability to maintain an erection, Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) brother Sebastian Wilner (SFS ’15) described his persistent erectile dysfunction as “classic” last Thursday, sources confirmed. Following what has been described to The Georgetown Heckler as a “total rager,” Willner allegedly removed […]
HEALEY LAWN — Expressing concern for the mental and physical wellbeing of her new roommate, junior Jennifer Lemieux (MSB ‘16) recently lamented that exchange student Fish may not be adjusting well to her study abroad semester at Georgetown University. “She’s super quiet, and I’m pretty sure that she’s just been laying on Healy Lawn since […]
HARIRI — In an unprecedented display of self-gratification and “just treating myself for once,” McDonough School of Business sophomore Jeremy Ashcliff spent the entirety of last Tuesday binging on TurboTax, multiple sources exclusively confirmed to The Georgetown Heckler. “I had a bunch of classes that I had to attend, but the new set of available […]