LEAVEY CENTER – As GUSA election season approaches, juniors preparing their runs for office have begun to separate themselves from the current GUSA leadership: Trevor Tezel and Omika Jikaria. However, because few people are actually informed of GUSA activities, candidates have to go to great lengths to separate themselves from the incumbents.   In one […]

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In light of recent events and various responses to the occurrences, countless Caucasian individuals are struggling to grasp the weight of the matter at hand. “I mean, I understand what has happened, except on the other hand, there’s this entire other side to be weighed. So I mean, I get it, but, you […]

CAPITOL HILL – In a routine display of caution after moderate weather in any corner of the nation, Washington DC will be shut after five inches of snow fell in in North Dakota. This decision will mean unnecessary government offices and operations will not operate tomorrow.   District officials were concerned that most drivers would […]

DAHLGREN CHAPEL– In the aftermath of Pope Francis declaring evolution and the big bang theory as truth, the Georgetown Creationist Club has managed to maintain their contempt for science.   “It is certainly a blow to our club, but I believe we can come out of this stronger than before,” said club president Adam Smith […]

HARBIN — In a recent phone call with his parents, freshman Kyle Spencer (COL ‘18) shared that he “loves all DC has to offer” and that after half a semester he “really knows the ropes” of the nation’s capital.   Kyle called his family after returning from Dupont Circle, to regale them with his adventures […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR – In a press conference last Tuesday, representatives of Georgetown School of Psychology announced that the newly installed web of temporary walkways cropping up around campus is part of a large-scale psychology experiment testing the intelligence quotas (IQs) of Georgetown University students. Following months of planning, researchers determined that the installation of labyrinthine and […]