EPICUREAN – Representatives for Epicurean and Co. Restaurant (known colloquially as Epi) recently announced that they would be raising the prices of their quesadillas to $25 during peak drunk hours of one to four AM.   “We saw this as a great opportunity to set the price of our quesadillas to what we think they […]

REISS 284 – Tensions within a section of MATH 035 reached an all-time high when perpetually underprepared Brad Jones (COL’ 18) asked classmate Sarah Witham (MSB ’18) if he could borrow a pencil for a record 50th time this semester.   “Are you kidding me? This is calculus. How do you come to class without […]

LEO’S – Several confidential sources for the Heckler have reported that a “full-blown nut job” is currently attending Georgetown.   The student whose sanity is in question, Anthony Brady (SFS ’17), raised several red flags after he was seen pouring his milk in the bowl before his cereal this Friday morning.   Brady, who by […]

HEALY HALL – University officials released a statement this week admitting that fire drills are really just the school’s effort to get students to take a break from studying and “go outside for once in their goddamn lives.”   “We admire all the hard work that our students do, but Jesus Christ some of these […]

LEO’S – This week marked the installment of an experimental security system at Leo’s in an attempt to curb the rising amount of food and utensil thefts.   Leo’s Acting Director of Security and Intelligence Linda Stalleworthe unveiled the full body scanner in place of two of the three computers where students typically swipe in. […]

NEW SOUTH – As the temperature has started to drop and the unhygienic conditions of dorm life are taking their toll, the lone healthy freshman in all of New South, Chris Sullivan (MSB ’18), told reporters he has felt considerably more left out as everyone he knows has begun complaining about being sick. Earlier this week in the […]