FLYNN PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL – A schoolwide surge of hope was decisively crushed Wednesday when sources revealed that Evan J., despite attending a regional summer camp dedicated exclusively to the subject, was still woefully unprepared for his 7th Grade Earth Science class. “I would never have sent him if I had thought, for even a […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A club wide email was circulated late on Sunday which, among other matters, asked for volunteers to lead this semester’s Knights of Columbus spring retreat whose goals are stated as “team-building, mentorship, and Jerusalem.” The retreat’s organizer Richard “The Lionheart” Wagner assured the Heckler that the program would not get caught up […]

While every God-fearing student of Georgetown mourns the results of the recent GUSA election, one widely regarded as having been tampered with, one pair of students is in high spirits, despite these dark times. Sahil Nair (‘19) and Naba Rahman (‘19) spent the wee hours of this morning counting their reward for betraying the Son […]

All of us make New Year’s resolutions but for our readers on the lam from the long arm of the law, things are a little more high stakes. Whether you’re looking to drop a few pounds, eat better, or just avoid those nagging questions about that job you pulled a few years back, these places […]

COPLEY LAWN. American culture is more celebrity obsessed than ever nowadays, and fame more desirable, but rarely do we think about the toll that fame takes on the famous. Georgetown resident groundhog Nathan Nibblin’ has learned this lesson all too well. Many Georgetown students remember his timber tossin’ exploits fondly, but Mr. Nibblin’ has a […]

HEALY HALL. Apparently under the impression that he was teaching the assembled US Political Systems class, Jackson Wagner (SFS ‘20) made certain that the entire class knows that while the teacher’s interpretation of the reading was correct, at least on the surface, there were several major issues with it.   While usually confining himself to […]

DARNALL HALL. A groundbreaking study from the National Institute of Health rocked Georgetown’s Student Health Services late last night, inciting major controversy with its claim that the price paid for the accuracy of rectal thermometers is several minutes of excruciatingly awkward chit chat. This was a blow below the belt to the Georgetown medical community, […]

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like This Anymore! 5 Deceased People You Just Can’t Find Today There has been a lot of controversy about the Millennial generation’s effect on society, but one thing that is indisputable is the fact that older generations had one thing that millennials do not: people born before the 1980’s. Here’s a […]

GEORGETOWN, DC President DeGioia delivered a dramatic speech last night, announcing the founding of Georgetown’s fifth school. Adjusting what appeared to be a handmade tissue paper crown, DeGioia revealed that the college would be focused on “the core tenets of a literal arts education”. DeGioia went on to detail the majors that would be included […]