WHITE-GRAVENOR — According to a recent poll conducted by the Georgetown Heckler, for the fourth straight year in a row, the word “Chill” was the most used word by freshmen on Campus Housing and Roommate Matching Systems (CHARMS) profiles. With 792 usages, “chill” easily beat out its tops competitors of “average,” 254 usages, “normal,” 231 […]
MEDICAL CAMPUS — Following a mistaken mass e-mail to the entire alumni network and current students, Peer to Peer Tutoring announced that the entire Georgetown network is now registered as tutors. Following the registration of Jack O’Donnell (SFS ’86), Peer to Peer tutoring, which offers academic assistance to Medical School students, now has well over […]
ATLANTA — Leading Center for Disease Control researchers unveiled a massive breakthrough this week in the quest to fine a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS. Surprising many experts and insiders in the field, Research Chair Lily Garrison revealed that the long-awaited treatment for the world’s most unpronounceable killer did not involve any type […]
San Francisco — From his San Francisco bedroom Tuesday rising sophomore John Roland (SFS ’17), overcome with guilt, decided to send University President John DeGioia an edible arrangement as an apology. “When I got home and just sat in my bed after the whole hubbub of finals was over it sorta just hit me,” said […]
LAU 2 — While commiserating with friends in the library last night about how stressed they collectively were about finals, Jennifer Hoken (COL ’15) described herself as “so behind on work.” Hoken, who only needs to proofread her 30-page research paper once more before handing it in on Friday, explained to friends that she “has […]
HARIRI — In an unprecedented display of self-gratification and “just treating myself for once,” McDonough School of Business sophomore Jeremy Ashcliff spent the entirety of last Tuesday binging on TurboTax, multiple sources exclusively confirmed to The Georgetown Heckler. “I had a bunch of classes that I had to attend, but the new set of available […]
HARBIN — In an email broadcast to campus today, Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson announced changes to the alumni housing policy. After almost two semesters of heated debate, Olson along with GUSA President Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15) and Vice President Omika Jikaria (SFS ’15) voted to adopt a three-year post graduation on-campus housing […]
WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing his “complete lack of preparation” for the world outside of the front gates, Senior Chris Mitchell (MSB ’14) quietly preregistered for classes last week for the fall of 2014 in the hopes no one would notice. “Well I wasn’t locked out of pre-registration on MyAccess,” said Mitchell in an email to The […]
GEORGETOWN — Citing a recent surge in malware attacks, including the powerful “Heartbleed” security breech, Georgetown Chief Information Officer Lisa Davis urgently requested all Georgetown students destroy their technology. At a sparsely-attended emergency press conference in the UIS Executive Office on Wednesday Davis outlined how the crisis unfolded: “at first we requested everyone change their […]
The Georgetown community was rocked by scandal yesterday after students uncovered an unmarked grave beneath the surface of Copley Lawn containing the presumed remains of former mascot-in-training, J.J. The grave was discovered by Alex Ortega (SFS ’15), a cutter on the Georgetown Ultimate Frisbee team. Taking advantage of the upswing in temperature, Ortega and some […]