REISS – Despite hours upon hours spent studying and comprehending required course readings, sources report that Junior David Rothstein will receive another disappointing C+ this semester after his participation grade was mercilessly sucker-punched by his crippling social anxiety. “This class places a large emphasis on me hearing from you,” threatened his professor maliciously, with mocking […]

CHURCH – Vice President of the United States Mike Pence was reportedly sitting solemnly in a church pew at a local Washington D.C. area same sex wedding. Pence was overheard quietly whispering “In the name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I object to this union” to himself during the vow ceremony. “Here it comes” […]

GEORGETOWN – In an effort to combat lagging print readership, Hoya executives have added a scruffy street urchin to their marketing team. Students should be on the lookout for the small boy’s ragged felt cap and prepubescent cries of “Extra! Extra! 5-page spread on GUSA spending!” as early as next month. The new strategy hopes […]

Georgetown – Early Friday morning, Hillary Clinton arrived on the campus which her husband once ran, and proceeded to ask a whole bunch of questions. Bill is a former resident of Harbin Hall and had made these streets his own territory for four solid years of sweet, sweet college romances. Hillary was found inspecting his old residence […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hark! It is that time of the year again. If you are a sports lover prepare to pick your jaw off the floor and put on a new pair of trousers, for the rumors are true: The Great Basketball has arrived. Many thought “it could not be,” but it does be. For […]

In society, women are rarely given equal pay or proper representation in positions of power, but once in a while, a strong progressive is adamant about treating men and women equally. This man is exactly that, he is a serial killer who targets men and women equally. According to numerous reports and research, serial killers […]

HARBIN HALL, GU – Local idiot James Marshall (COL ‘20) excitedly announced to his roommate this morning that it is Friday. “Thank God It’s Friday!” exclaimed the resident nincompoop before being gently alerted that it was in fact, Thursday. The ignoramus’ brief moment of glee was thus shattered by the stunning news. “Why did I have […]

With the 90-day federal hiring freeze ending soon, the State Department is looking to hire again, now sharing a new job posting for a hardworking, detail oriented fall guy. “We are excited to be seeking new talent for the State Department once again.” State Department spokesperson Mark Toner said in an official statement, “in accordance […]

I can’t blame you for wanting to drift off during surgery. Hell, I can’t count how many times I’ve nearly fallen asleep at the operating table. The sterile room, the fluorescent lights, the warm presence of my colleague Martha, the middle-aged anesthesiologist in her blue mask–it’s the perfect environment in which to drift off to […]