HENLE — As part of a recent overhaul for the university’s mental health service to deal with the stress of finals week, students can now purchase photographs of themselves taken during the CAPS counseling session.   The decision comes after years of consistent criticism of CAPS counseling services.   Students who have visited CAPS often report […]

EPICUREAN – Representatives for Epicurean and Co. Restaurant (known colloquially as Epi) recently announced that they would be raising the prices of their quesadillas to $25 during peak drunk hours of one to four AM.   “We saw this as a great opportunity to set the price of our quesadillas to what we think they […]

THE VATICAN – Pope Francis was reportedly “bewildered” today when a package containing the Healy clock hands turned up on his doorstep.   “That’s weird; I don’t remember ordering anything from Amazon,” the 77-year-old pontiff was heard to remark as he examined the UPS box left outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae.   After carrying the […]

  VERIZON CENTER —  Georgetown junior D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera was one of five college basketball players named First Team All-“Hyphenated Last Name” on Wednesday evening, an honor recognized as one of the sport’s best. The junior guard was joined by Kentucky’s Willie Cauley-Stein, Georgia Tech’s Marcus Georges-Hunt, Indiana’s Hanner Mosquera-Parea, and, Michigan freshman Muhammad-Ali Abdur Rahkman […]

HEALY — Under direct recommendation from the Vatican, Georgetown administration has decided to lift its ban on the sale of condoms to Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS, ‘15) who is currently engaging in a “concerning amount” of sex on campus.   Director of Student Health Services, Matthew Anderson, said that the current barrier to acquiring […]

CAPITOL HILL — As the date fast approaches when the 114th Congress will be sworn in, leaving the leadership of both Houses in the hands of Republicans, Senate Democrats are making a last resort effort to maintain their majority by rushing a Time Machine bill through their lame-duck session.   The bill, which is expected […]