KALAMAZOO, MI. Calling it a defining moment in the 7th grader’s life, sources confirmed that Linden Grove Middle School student, Charlie Thompson, had been given a fun new nickname by his friends that makes reference to the 13 year old’s weight. “Originally I had hoped that I would be seen in the group for more […]

HEALY HALL. Apparently under the impression that he was teaching the assembled US Political Systems class, Jackson Wagner (SFS ‘20) made certain that the entire class knows that while the teacher’s interpretation of the reading was correct, at least on the surface, there were several major issues with it.   While usually confining himself to […]

Can You Convince Your Jesuit Professor To Give You God’s Hotmail Address? God doesn’t respond to your prayers, but maybe He’ll respond to your emails.   You want God’s email address so you can ask Him how long you’re supposed to microwave Chef Boyardee ravioli meat for. How do you initially broach this subject with […]

BURLEITH. At around four o’clock this afternoon, Georgetown senior Kyle Wallace returned to his home in Burleith to find his housemate, fellow senior David McDaniels, lying dead following what appeared to be an extremely colorful overdose of Sharpie sniffing. The scene was described by on-site police as “horrifying, yet splendorous – like a great fallen […]

DARNALL HALL. A groundbreaking study from the National Institute of Health rocked Georgetown’s Student Health Services late last night, inciting major controversy with its claim that the price paid for the accuracy of rectal thermometers is several minutes of excruciatingly awkward chit chat. This was a blow below the belt to the Georgetown medical community, […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. The Georgetown Genetics department released a report Monday that 50% of Hoyas inbreed with other Hoyas. After years of research, the research team has produced the first comprehensive account of the heinous side effects of Hoyas’ high intermarriage rate. The research team was headed by Dr. Lucas Sullivan, director of the Genetics department […]

We get it: You LOVE horses. We do too. And we’ve got some pretty freakin’ good news: The four horsemen of the apocalypse are here, and their handsome stallions have lustrous, flowing manes! “Impossible!” you might cry out. We’ll say it again: these horses are handsome. The first one’s name is “Pestilence” and he is […]

Environmentalists tell us that we need to stop using fossil fuels and submit to draconian regulation to “save the world for our children.” But what right do children have to our natural resources? They’re small, weak and have no money to buy them with. Asking us to conserve now is just redistributing potential wealth now […]