Dearest Margaret, my friend of all friends, We have known each other for over three long years now. I fondly recall meeting you in our pro-seminar freshman year and the delicate shared moments that led us down the path towards friendship. I consider you one of my closest comrades, most trusted confidants, and best of […]

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like This Anymore! 5 Deceased People You Just Can’t Find Today There has been a lot of controversy about the Millennial generation’s effect on society, but one thing that is indisputable is the fact that older generations had one thing that millennials do not: people born before the 1980’s. Here’s a […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. At approximately 4:45 this afternoon, the warlord stomach of student David Michaels (MSB’20) made its desire for tribute known, releasing a loud and lengthy rumble that elicited looks of both disgust and concern from nearby students. This is not the first time such an event has occurred. In fact, these demands have been […]

WASHINGTON, DC. It’s as we all suspected: every Uber driver on Earth is just on one, big conference call. Drivers report that the purpose of the conference call is to have a big old laugh at all the rich idiots using the service. As one Uber driver, Daniel McTorrley, stated, “whenever you see one of […]

Your freshman year friend group, remember them?! There was Sabrina, the silly one. Laurene, the hilarious one. Brendan, the one from Iowa (Cool!) and of course, David, the loveable one. They were so fun, so cool, so chic. But it’s been a few years since you were all on Darnall 4 together, and you’re probably […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Uh-oh! Looks like Lincoln got out of his massive stone seat at the Memorial for just, like, one minute and then this kid took it. Tough luck! That’s what happens when you forget to call dibs, Mr. Lincoln. “Well, shit,” Lincoln’s hundred-foot-tall stony likeness told the Heckler while glancing around for another […]

In an effort to engage Americans in international politics, the United Nations and Snapple have teamed up to create a series of limited edition “Real-er Facts” caps that are designed to inform the public on current events. One such cap reads, “There’s no easy solution in the Middle East.” António Guterres, UN Secretary General, stated […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. This past week the Student Activities Commission held a vote on whether or not to defund LoveSaxa. The commission eventually resolved to go the extra mile to ensure their place on the wrong side of history. “Really, this one is a no-brainer,” said Martin Garrett (COL ’20), LGBTQ+ activist, “all you had to […]