COPLEY — Citing his experience as “totally eye-opening” sophomore Julian Cartwright (SFS ’17) returned from an hour long study abroad information session about Lyon, France as “a totally different person.” Cartwright attempted to explain to his suite mates about what made the study abroad information session so enlightening, but often struggled to find the words […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR – For the first time in history, sources familiar with the alumni network of Georgetown University confirmed Friday that the network experienced a full and wide-reaching outage from which it is yet to recover. At roughly 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, September 10th, Georgetown alumni around the world are said to have become heavily […]

NEW SOUTH — Citing two weeks of fruitless advances on Georgetown’s female population, Freshman Aidan Johnson (MSB ’18) decided to take drastic action to mask his failures from his peers. After failing to entice floor mate Hannah Sanders (COL ’18) to return with him to his room on the fourth floor of New South Saturday […]

VCW RHO — Saying that she “just wanted to make sure” her daughter was doing fine in her first month of school, the mother of freshman Nicki Salzburg (COL ’18) decided to send herself in her first package. Opting against using one of the pre-planned University care packages, Veronica Smoot-Salzburg decided the best way to […]

LXR — While regaling each other with stories of U Street concerts and hallucinogen usage, a small gathering of Georgetown’s self-proclaimed hipsters announced to the Heckler that their social circle had decided to begin following Georgetown’s alcohol policy, ironically. The group explained that “like, literally, no one follows the University’s rules on alcohol. What better […]

RED SQUARE — As construction equipment slowly begins to choke off access to Reiss walkway, students came together to share memories of hurrying to class over the famed concrete slabs. The walkway, a vital causeway connecting Burleith, Henle, Darnall and the Leavey Center with the rest of campus, was fatally diagnosed last year with “standing […]

BROWN HOUSE — Following the dance floor make out (“DFMO”) between freshman Kimberley Harper (COL ’18) and Jack Cartcher (SFS ’18), Saturday night’s Brown House party grew socially uneasy as all participants had already hooked up with each other. All 215 party-goers independently confirmed to the Heckler that they had previous no-strings attached sexual interactions […]

PINK HOUSE — In an attempt to maintain high spirits in lieu of the ability to maintain an erection, Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) brother Sebastian Wilner (SFS ’15) described his persistent erectile dysfunction as “classic” last Thursday, sources confirmed. Following what has been described to The Georgetown Heckler as a “total rager,” Willner allegedly removed […]