For the 125th consecutive day, Pierce Reading Room has played host to Club Lau, the annual inaugural party in Lauinger Library. Attendance has waxed and waned throughout Club Lau’s 2013-2014 existence, but a core group of bros, awkward freshmen and administrative officials have kept the party going. “This is the kind of rager Georgetown students […]

It resembled something out of a nightmare. Grown men were reduced to flinging themselves at doors bolted shut, uttering cries of anguish before they collapsed into puddles of tears. Women wailed and gnashed their teeth as they rent the clothing upon their breasts. The very sky itself seemed to darken, and the January chill bit […]

During the second of her twice-daily walks to Yates Field House, Georgetown University in-house dietitian Bethany Douglas saw your gelatinous frame struggling to walk up a hill and thought about it for a long time, sources confirmed Thursday. Concluding that your exercise routine is non-existent and that your diet consists solely of suet smothered in […]

GEORGETOWN- A Pew Research Center recently-released poll suggests that Georgetown students were only able to accomplish 8% of their previously stated winter break goals. “Working out,” “finding job/internship,” “reading new book,” “volunteering in community,” “making it out of bed more than twice a day,” and “Jesus Christ, anything at all productive” were among the most […]

Failing to mention the drunk driving accident that killed both of his parents Christmas morning, Jeremy Heisner (COL ’15) expressed to an acquaintance Tuesday that his winter break was “pretty good,” sources confirmed. Striving to maintain propriety despite having attended his parents’ funeral less than 72 hours before, Heisner reportedly told Michelle Delaine (COL ’16), […]

LEVEY CENTER- In a 25-1 vote Georgetown University Student Association instituted a temporary new student greeting that mandates students begin any interaction with the phrase: “hey, how was your break?” The mandatory greeting is expected to be imposed for at least one week, but could extend further for awkward conversations with rarely- seen acquaintances. “This […]

Eyewitnesses described it as “cordial chaos” and “pleasantries run amok.” Several witnesses reported seeing individuals leave the scene completely socially bewildered. Sources report the event, an ESCAPE retreat ice breaker, began innocently enough. “Letʼs go around and just say our name and where weʼre from,” ESCAPE leader Neal Chaudhuri (Col ʼ16) purportedly said to initiate […]

VERIZON CENTER- Markel Starks and the Hoyas pulled out a nail bitter against visiting opponent Visitation Prep. “You know it was pretty crazy to be out there playing against my alma matter [Visitation Prep], but Iʼm proud of the heart we played with,” said Starks. “We never gave up.” Starks dropped 23 and junior Joshua […]

NORTH POLE – More than 40 students marched to the North Pole from Red Square this past weekend to a present petition on labor standards to Santa Claus. “Every year millions of Georgetown students go home over winter break to open presents and no one stop and thinks about where these presents are coming from […]

RIGGS LIBRARY- This past weekend University President John DeGoia held a fundraising dinner in Riggs Library as a special thank you to donors who had made significant contributions to the Universityʼs endowment. “I want to thank each and everyone of you for your generosity,” said DeGoia, “Because of your help, we are well on our […]