While every God-fearing student of Georgetown mourns the results of the recent GUSA election, one widely regarded as having been tampered with, one pair of students is in high spirits, despite these dark times. Sahil Nair (‘19) and Naba Rahman (‘19) spent the wee hours of this morning counting their reward for betraying the Son […]

With pressure mounting on the Oscars committee to address the recent avalanche of sexual assault allegations in Hollywood, President John Bailey announced yesterday his plan to establish a new category: Best Apology by a Man in a Position of Power. In a press conference that took place in the late afternoon, Bailey said, “It’s about […]

THE HEAVENS – Hunter Estes and Richard Howell. Honorable Catholics, Knights of Columbus: I, Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, King of Kings, thank you for your service in the name of the Lord. Your faith in me shall be rewarded at the end of times. But the GUSA Executive is not for you, my […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY PRESS – College Dean Edmund Ralph was pleased to find out earlier today that his memoir, “A Complete Set of My Walk-In Hours, M-F, 1998-2017” was officially added to the Georgetown University Press’ slate for spring publications. “Well, of course it’s a dream come true!” Ralph commented, dusting off his hands on his […]

Maybe you’ve already told him how you feel. Maybe you haven’t quite worked up the courage. With Valentine’s Day just hours away, the Heckler has all the information you need to give your crush, Todd Olson, the Valentine’s Day of his dreams.   The Flowers Ok- call us old fashioned, but there really is just no […]

The Editorial Board is proud and excited to announce that Georgetown Students for More Hammocks – the inspirational grassroots student group leading the charge in providing GU students the care and leisure they deserve – has officially endorsed Jesus Christ for GUSA President in 2018. According to the campaign, this decision was reached after the […]

        ON THE WEB – According to recent insider reports from Intro to Linguistics, Anonymous Chupacabra is completely dominating a presentation group’s Google doc. The source of this information prefers to remain under the alias “Anonymous Liger”, but is confirmed to have legitimate access to the document in question. The group consists of five students, none […]

Politics today have revealed the darkest side of our human nature. The political sphere on all levels is almost irreparably plagued by pride, self-interest, greed, hate, sin – and what’s more, our elected officials seek to drag their loyal constituents into the lowest echelons of hell along with them as they pursue their pagan agendas. […]

OUTER SPACE – Following SpaceX’s momentous launch of the Falcon Heavy rocket this afternoon, local Martian Sator Throg announced to his friends that their Uber would be arriving in approximately one billion light years. “Ugh. I definitely thought about cancelling,” reported Throg, “but the Tesla roadster attached to Earth’s most powerful rocket ever launched was […]