Conservative Professors to Begin Teaching Problem of God in Latin
By John Doe | January 5, 2015
HEALY HALL—In a move to “bring the University back to its Catholic identity,” conservative professors say that they will be conducting Problem of God classes entirely in Latin this semester. The movement is being spearheaded by Professor Gregor the Pius, who when asked for comment, posited, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer” before nodding benevolently […]
Sophomore’s Plan to Get Into Shape Over Break Condensed into One Day
By Ed Nonymous | January 4, 2015
ATLANTA, GA — Saying “a lot of stuff just came up,” Sophomore Aaron Sergio (COL ’17) informed assembled reporters that his objective of getting into shape over the two week winter break was going to be condensed into tomorrow, January 5th. “I had a pretty detailed, twice a day work out regimen in mind throughout […]
Following Cosmos Marathon, Pope Francis Announces Plan to Replace St. Peter’s Basilica with Planetarium
By Blue Sub-Ivy | January 3, 2015
VATICAN CITY – Following a three day back-to-back marathon of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentary television program Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, Pope Francis announced to reporters Wednesday his intention to demolish the historic St. Peter’s Basilica to make room for a new planetarium. Known for his attempts at modernizing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis explained […]
Students Pushing Selves to Perfect Ghastly Pale “Netflix Tan” Over Break
By Ed Nonymous | January 2, 2015
EUGENE, OR — As Georgetown University’s winter break enters the home stretch, many students are pushing their bodies’ paleness to the limits to achieve the coveted “Netflix tan” from the glowing screen of their computers. “I just want to come back to school with the ideal level of cringe-inducing pastiness. When people look at me […]
SNAPs Officer Breaks Up Own Family’s New Year’s Party
By Ed Nonymous | January 1, 2015
ALEXANDRIA, VA — A Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAPs) Officer visiting his mother’s house in Virginia reportedly broke up his family’s New Year’s party shortly after midnight. Many of the partygoers, roughly two dozen members of the DeKalb family, discreetly exited through the back door after Duncan DeKalb informed the hosts that the family gathering […]
THE HECKLER’S 2014 PERSON OF THE YEAR
By Tilda Swinton | December 31, 2014
2014 was the year that Hoyas needed heart. Amidst the cancellation of Tombs Wine Nights, the threat of strict new snow day policies, and the not-so-subtle exile of all Henle Village residents, sometimes life on the Hilltop could only be brightened by a particularly friendly face – or rather, one of three friendly faces. After […]
Hoya Going on Vacation Over Break Excited to Look At Glowing Screen in New Location
By Ed Nonymous | December 30, 2014
MADISON, WI — Following almost three consecutive months of looking at his phone in cool weather, Sophomore Taylor Fairbanks (COL ’17) has been reportedly “very much looking forward” to staring at his phone in a new, warmer location in a few days. “When my family first said we were going to Puerto Rico over winter […]