TACOMA, WA — Since returning home over ten days ago from Georgetown, Freshman and Corp new hire Darren Ryan (SFS ’18) expressed confusion to reporters that his social status among his high school classmates has not budged since his employment as a cashier with More Uncommon Grounds (MUG) began in September. “I don’t get it, […]

METLIFE STADIUM- With a record of 3-12 thus far, this season has been difficult for the New York Jets. Fans of the organization were dealt another blow Sunday when the team was mathematically eliminated from next year’s playoffs.   Experts at NFL headquarters reported early Sunday that due to poor play they will be out […]

NORTH POLE — A North Pole man recently awoke in an area bar following a week long bender in which he purchased toys for roughly 45% of the children on Earth. “I’m just not the same person after I have a few drinks,” said the eternally elderly man through his wistful white beard as he […]

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In light of recent events and various responses to the occurrences, countless Caucasian individuals are struggling to grasp the weight of the matter at hand. “I mean, I understand what has happened, except on the other hand, there’s this entire other side to be weighed. So I mean, I get it, but, you […]

CAPITOL HILL – In a routine display of caution after moderate weather in any corner of the nation, Washington DC will be shut after five inches of snow fell in in North Dakota. This decision will mean unnecessary government offices and operations will not operate tomorrow.   District officials were concerned that most drivers would […]

PYONGYANG — Following the limited release of Sony’s “The Interview” on Wednesday,  thousands of demonstrators have reportedly taken to the streets in the capitol of the world’s most isolated nation furious that Hollywood green lighted another insufferable comedy featuring a bromance between two likable but perpetually immature leads. “How could my dear leader let such […]

HAGERSTOWN, MD — Saying they could “never fully understand” what a transformative experience going to a University such as Georgetown has had on his growth as a person, Freshman Harrison Clement (SFS ’18) reported that none of his friends were in a position to appreciate what going to college at Georgetown was like. “It’s just […]

NEW BEDFORD, MA — Returning to her Massachusetts home Sunday night after spending the previous five months studying abroad in Paris, France, Junior Celia Alves (SFS ’16) told reporters that she could not have been more happy to be back in her “safe space.” “Studying abroad in Paris was eye opening and a cultural whirlwind […]

HEALY HALL — Telling reporters it was “a real stress relief” to have his fellow 7,636 campus-mates departed from the shared University grounds for the holiday break, President John DeGioia was spotted Sunday walking around Healy without wearing suit pants. “I love having the students and faculty here to engage in such a diverse forum […]