NSO to Institute “Honest Discussion” With Incoming Freshmen About Why We Hate Syracuse
By Brick | January 14, 2015
LEAVEY — Citing fears that a large part of Georgetown’s athletic history may be lost on future classes, New Student Orientation will feature an informative 5-hour program to educate incoming freshman on Georgetown’s athletic rivalry with Syracuse. The program, which will take place for the first time during NSO 2015, comes in anticipation of restarting a […]
Astronomy Club Accidentally Lands Spacecraft on Mars
By Mr. E. Mann | January 13, 2015
OBSERVATORY— In what has been hailed as a huge accidental step forward for mankind, the Georgetown Astronomy Club landed an unmanned probe on Mars last night. Club President John Lamda (SFS ’16) told the Heckler that they “totally hadn’t meant to,” but are “very proud of this scientific endeavor.” “We had a couple […]
DeGioia: Pluralism in Action ‘Does Not Include Kevin’
By Ian Cognito | January 12, 2015
HEALY HALL – Addressing a group of alumni donors today, Georgetown University president Jack DeGioia touted the university’s embrace of diversity, but underlined that it “does not include Kevin.” “When you make a gift to Georgetown, you are supporting an educational mission that embraces people from all walks of life,” DeGioia told the crowd. “Our […]
New “Inuit Uber” to Offer Dog Sled Option for Winter Months
By Brick | January 11, 2015
CAR BARN — The wait is finally over. In anticipation of the snow filled months ahead, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has proudly unveiled a new option for the ride sharing company’s Eskimo customers: Uber Dog Sled. “For years, our northern customers have been asking for a winter option for travel to which they’re more […]
Georgetown Hippies Push University to Recognize Red Square as Free Love Zone
By John Doe | January 10, 2015
RED SQUARE—In an effort to “promote like peace and understanding man,” Georgetown hippies have pressured the University to recognize Red Square as a “free love zone.” “We just like need somewhere to hang out and come together” said Flower Moon (SFS ’17), one of the hippies, adding that Red Square “has the […]
Bear Surprised to Find He Had Similar Winter Break Experience as Many College Students
By Phil Clinton | January 9, 2015
RED SQUARE — Raúl Morales (COL ’16), who is also an Alaskan Kodiak Bear enrolled in the College, returned from winter break to find that he had a similar experience over the three weeks as many of his classmates. Morales, as a bear, spent December first eating approximately 200% of his body weight in […]
Laid Back Professor Signs Embalmed Corpse of Andrew Jackson into Sociology Class
By Ed Nonymous | January 8, 2015
WHITE-GRAVENOR 311— While admitting that the department chair will “probably raise hell about this,” Sociology Professor Bill Valentine waived the course’s enrollment cap and signed the add/drop form of the embalmed corpse of Andrew Jackson to allow the deceased former president to take his “Sociology of Dying” course. “I’ve heard the University’s rationale about cracking […]
“We Need More on Campus Housing,” Says University With Hotel
By Sterling Archer | January 7, 2015
GEORGETOWN HOTEL — In a school-wide address last Tuesday, University President John DeGioia lamented that Georgetown, a university with an on-campus hotel, is in dire need of student housing to meet its 2027 campus plan requirements. Georgetown, whose on-campus hotel is capable of holding over 500 people at a single time, has been forced to cordon […]
Junior Already Has Semester Abroad Boiled Down to Six Words
By Ed Nonymous | January 6, 2015
NEVILS — Within thirty minutes of receiving her key from the LXR RHO, Junior Mary Cosgrove (SFS ’16) reportedly had already condensed her more than four months living in Scotland to six words in conversation. “Really good! Glad to be back,” Cosgrove repeatedly told different acquaintances upwards of a dozen times Tuesday afternoon throughout campus […]