ALEXANDRIA, VA — A Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAPs) Officer visiting his mother’s house in Virginia reportedly broke up his family’s New Year’s party shortly after midnight. Many of the partygoers, roughly two dozen members of the DeKalb family, discreetly exited through the back door after Duncan DeKalb informed the hosts that the family gathering […]

2014 was the year that Hoyas needed heart. Amidst the cancellation of Tombs Wine Nights, the threat of strict new snow day policies, and the not-so-subtle exile of all Henle Village residents, sometimes life on the Hilltop could only be brightened by a particularly friendly face – or rather, one of three friendly faces. After […]

MADISON, WI — Following almost three consecutive months of looking at his phone in cool weather, Sophomore Taylor Fairbanks (COL ’17) has been reportedly “very much looking forward” to staring at his phone in a new, warmer location in a few days. “When my family first said we were going to Puerto Rico over winter […]

TACOMA, WA — Since returning home over ten days ago from Georgetown, Freshman and Corp new hire Darren Ryan (SFS ’18) expressed confusion to reporters that his social status among his high school classmates has not budged since his employment as a cashier with More Uncommon Grounds (MUG) began in September. “I don’t get it, […]

METLIFE STADIUM- With a record of 3-12 thus far, this season has been difficult for the New York Jets. Fans of the organization were dealt another blow Sunday when the team was mathematically eliminated from next year’s playoffs.   Experts at NFL headquarters reported early Sunday that due to poor play they will be out […]

NORTH POLE — A North Pole man recently awoke in an area bar following a week long bender in which he purchased toys for roughly 45% of the children on Earth. “I’m just not the same person after I have a few drinks,” said the eternally elderly man through his wistful white beard as he […]

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In light of recent events and various responses to the occurrences, countless Caucasian individuals are struggling to grasp the weight of the matter at hand. “I mean, I understand what has happened, except on the other hand, there’s this entire other side to be weighed. So I mean, I get it, but, you […]

CAPITOL HILL – In a routine display of caution after moderate weather in any corner of the nation, Washington DC will be shut after five inches of snow fell in in North Dakota. This decision will mean unnecessary government offices and operations will not operate tomorrow.   District officials were concerned that most drivers would […]