ICC—The Planning Committee for the 90th Annual Diplomatic Ball announced yesterday that because of budget cuts, the Diplomatic Ball will take place in a first-floor ICC bathroom. “We’re doing our best to save money by holding the event on campus this year,” said spokesperson Jenna Coleman (MSB ’15). “We feel that the easy access to […]
HARBIN– In what some analysts consider an act of war, the FBI has confirmed that North Korean hackers changed Stephen Landa’s (COL ‘18) Facebook status to “poopie.” The hack took place yesterday at approximately 3:07 AM EST. “What the hell?” Landa said. “Now my friends are going to think I’m two years old.” The White […]
OBSERVATORY— In what has been hailed as a huge accidental step forward for mankind, the Georgetown Astronomy Club landed an unmanned probe on Mars last night. Club President John Lamda (SFS ’16) told the Heckler that they “totally hadn’t meant to,” but are “very proud of this scientific endeavor.” “We had a couple […]
LEAVEY — A small group of students, self-described as “committed to the principles of selfishness,” announced they have won University recognition for their new club TAKES. According to founder William Hartnell (MSB ‘16), TAKES, which stands for “The Alliance of Kleptomaniacs Encouraging Selfishness,” will be an organization devoted to “promoting that dickish, selfish, […]
LEO’S — Following a concerted administrative effort to crack down on Georgetown’s underground meal swipe trade, the GUPD busted a massive meal swipe ring operating out of Lau 2 last Wednesday. Following a six-month investigation, GUPD arrested of alleged ringleader Todd McCarthy (MSB ‘15), GUPD announced its intention to . His lawyer told the […]
HARBIN — A pair of visiting parents arriving for the weekend were reportedly “livid” at the quality of alcohol in their son’s dorm room. Joseph Antonelli (COL ‘18), a resident of Harbin 4, was shocked when he showed his parents his dorm room, but said he “probably deserved it.” “The first thing my […]
NEW SOUTH — The Heckler has learned that Jack the Bulldog (COL ’18), a Georgetown icon and mascot, was transported to the hospital by GERMS this Thursday night. Jack was attending a pregame in New South with some freshman friends which was described by the Facebook event as being the “Pregame of the Year.” “The night […]
POTOMAC RIVER — Unconfirmed reports have emerged that the Georgetown Men’s Heavy Weight Crew Team was eaten early this morning in the Potomac River. Speculation began to increase after the team failed to return to the boathouse at 7 am. Unverified reports have come to forward to say that the men’s team was devoured by […]