NEVILS –Tyler Farrin (NHS, ’16) recently reaffirmed to his friends, family members, and classmates that he has no plans to remove or cover his neck tattoo of Belgian-Australian musician Gotye. Swearing that the portrait “doesn’t even mean anything” to him anymore and that “it just looks cool, is all,” Farrin claims that he sees […]
HFSC – A scheduled “Meet and Great” in HFSC for GUSA Executive candidates Sara Margolis and Ryan Shymansky came to an abrupt ending when a participant accidentally spilled coffee on Shymansky, causing his circuitry to malfunction. Shymansky, whose good looks and smooth demeanor have long been suspected of stemming from him being at least partially robotic, […]
AMERICA– After a month into 2015, a recent Gallup poll found that 98% of Americans are already looking forward to a “fresh start” in 2016. Over two thirds of respondents were reportedly surprised that, despite the year not being 2014 any longer, the world is still a cold, violent, and unforgiving place. Leroy Donovan, […]
ROSSLYN, VA – British consulting firm Deloitte has laid off 300 employees from its financial and federal consulting wings, replacing them with an assortment of enthusiastic “The Price is Right” audience members. Since 1972, the crowd of potential game show contestants has consulted thousands of participants — most notably in high-profile cases of “Pass the […]
11:14 am Hello, Georgetown community. As part of a series we’ll be doing at the Heckler about study drugs and their impact on student health, I’ve decided to take 20 mg of adderall on this Sunday and try to get my homework done. I’ll update this page regularly so you can all keep up. It […]
RED SQUARE — Raúl Morales (COL ’16), who is also an Alaskan Kodiak Bear enrolled in the College, returned from winter break to find that he had a similar experience over the three weeks as many of his classmates. Morales, as a bear, spent December first eating approximately 200% of his body weight in […]
LEAVEY CENTER – Realizing the need for accessible contraceptives on campus, Georgetown University administration will now give free cargo shorts as an indirect way for its students to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. Cargo shorts were originally created in 1934 by the Mussolini regime in Italy as a population suppressant. Engineers called the prototype “Pantaloni Astinenza”, […]
HENLE — As part of a recent overhaul for the university’s mental health service to deal with the stress of finals week, students can now purchase photographs of themselves taken during the CAPS counseling session. The decision comes after years of consistent criticism of CAPS counseling services. Students who have visited CAPS often report […]
HEALY — Under direct recommendation from the Vatican, Georgetown administration has decided to lift its ban on the sale of condoms to Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS, ‘15) who is currently engaging in a “concerning amount” of sex on campus. Director of Student Health Services, Matthew Anderson, said that the current barrier to acquiring […]