Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, meaning that it’s cuffing season for real. Here at The Heckler we recognize that getting dicked down can be tough, especially if you ghostwrite for a campus satire publication. As such, here’s our top 10 ways to proposition fellow Georgetown students in ways that only a fellow Hoya […]

RED SQUARE — It was a solemn occasion this Tuesday as Red Square filled with mourners for what could have theoretically been a tree on campus. Hosted by Right to Life, the event began with a poignant speech acknowledging that because the acorn looked to be at least 6 weeks old and had the potential […]

Needed: Personal Body Guard, at least 6’1”, lots of muscles [think Shemar Moore]. Must be on call 11 am to 9pm to escort me to and from my Vil A. Mask required at all times. Required to be able to combat Tae Kwon Doe or run with me on your back. Who am I: My […]

SESAME STREET – In a move unforeseen by the Sesame Street Fandom, Oscar the Grouch has officially quit the cast of Sesame Street to become a homeless rights advocate following an incident on set last week. This news came in a press conference last Friday when PBS spokesperson Erika Dinkle clarified the inciting event. Apparently, […]

TAMPA, FLORIDA – Local woman Beth Chowder took the internet by storm last Tuesday after posting a social update for her friends to Instagram Stories, featuring Beth in the foreground, stepping forward, then backwards, on what looked to be an exterior street.  A source close to Chowder reached out to The Heckler: “it wasn’t so […]

THURSDAY EVENING – Cabaret, the yearly musical extravaganza, took place at the U Street Music Hall yesterday. The lineup featured plenty of bright, young things, screlting their hearts out with a jazzy, bouncy back-up band to boot. It’s comforting to know we have such flouncy youth at Georgetown, eager to sing and dance for all […]

Metropolitan police reported last night that a foul and sinister odor filled the air around Georgetown University around 8:06 PM. A witness alerted police to the stench that evening, citing fear and concern for the student population’s safety. The Heckler reached out to the witness for comment, who requested to remain anonymous. “I thought that […]

With the first few weeks of school behind him, Freshman Male finalized his schedule minutes before Add/Drop closed last Friday. An undeclared major in the college, Freshman Male was looking to “get some recs out of the way” during his first semester, landing on a five-class course load including Noun: Noun and Noun, Noun, Noun, and […]

With pressure mounting on the Oscars committee to address the recent avalanche of sexual assault allegations in Hollywood, President John Bailey announced yesterday his plan to establish a new category: Best Apology by a Man in a Position of Power. In a press conference that took place in the late afternoon, Bailey said, “It’s about […]

Georgetown Just in time for the holiday season, A Capella groups across campus have put their differences aside to stand up, once and for all, against instruments. “A Capella has been a second-class art for hundreds of years, and we’re sick of it,” said Barney Andrews, a bass in the Phantoms and spokesperson for the […]