NEBRASKA- Following the revelations that the 268,738 residents of Lincoln, Nebraska were simply illusions, authorities have declared the supposed state capital to be entirely fictional. “It was a good game while it was on, but eventually you get rusty and make a few slips,” said man behind the hoax Albert The Amazing Magic Man, as […]

RED SQUARE—With GUSA Senate elections under way, candidates have been stepping up their campaigning methods. While flyering around campus and in common rooms continues to dominate empty wall space, freshman candidate Stephen Ford (COL ’18) has reportedly taped himself to the wall in Red Square in an attempt to garner support from passing freshmen. Ford […]

The following conversation between David Axelrod and Barack Obama was overheard by The Heckler’s hidden White House microphone. Yes, David, I’m all ready for the inauguration tomorrow. We already did the official swearing in today, this is just for the public. Roberts has his lines down for once, so it all should go smoothly. Oh, […]

A thrilled Jeremy Michelson (SFS ’15) is reportedly the only student to have run to Congress following the successful re-election of Tennessee Fifth District Congressman Jim Cooper. “WE DID IT! COOPER IS COMING BACK!” Michelson screamed as he ran all the way to the Capitol Dome, joining a crowd of zero as he cheered the […]

Former President Obama was dealt a crushing blow last Tuesday when he was defeated by Mitt Romney in the only election that counted: the one in our hearts. Though losing by a wide margin in the electoral college, Mitt Romney managed to capture a majority of sentiments on Tuesday, garnering every kind of support except […]