NEW YORK, NY – On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman overturned the NFL’s suspension of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, who had been sanctioned for his alleged knowing use of underinflating footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game, citing his personal inferiority to the Patriots QB. “You’re asking me, regular ol’ Dicky […]

Normally the last one’s to show up to the party, GERMS, the student-operated emergency medical response team, will be throwing a “primarily ethanol-fueled house banger” in order to reduce their average response time down to 0 minutes. “It’s basic business economics – vertical integration,” explained squad captain Jennifer Knowles (NHS ’15) as she set a […]

GASTON HALL —  In an attempt to showcase to first year students the ways in which the early 20th century artistic movement pervades almost every aspect of the undergraduate experience, New Student Orientation’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” staged a 45-minute long exhibition followed by a small group discussion. “I always knew surrealism was going to be a […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the last episode of Comedy Central’s satirical news program The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 23-year-old Louis Miller’s search to re-locate his own opinions seems likely to enter a third week. Miller (COL ’14) reported his sociopolitical beliefs missing only one day after the show’s host Jon Stewart retired from his […]

HEALY LAWN- Claiming that The Georgetown Chimes’ recent outdoor performance “reached new heights,” audience members praised the a cappella group’s recent performance featuring surprise guest vocalist, a Boeing 747.   The Baltimore-bound American Airlines flight joined the Chimes on Healy Lawn Thursday evening shortly after departing Ronald Reagan International Airport and stayed for the duration […]

HEALY HALL — Following a week in which it has come to light that Georgetown has been involved in three separate controversies that include mishandling sexual assault, neglecting racial discrimination, and underfunding psychiatric services, Georgetown University is now steeped in a pile of its own fecal matter. The administration’s streak of confronting serious problems with disproportionately feeble efforts […]

  POTOMAC, MD – Despite the estimated quarter million dollars and years of spirit maiming stress he will cost his parents throughout his childhood and adolescence, 7-year-old Jordan Watts remains entirely unaware of his existence being the root cause of his parents’ divorce.   Both of Jordan’s parents, Ben and Jillian, have separately corroborated their […]

HOUSTON, TX – The field for the Republican primary is crowded with colorful characters from all over the country, but with Jeb Bush marked as the establishment front-runner, it will take serious campaign ingenuity for a contender to leave with the nomination.   The primary fight is sure to be brutally competitive, with the strongest […]

Tsipras to the ECB: “Here are those Euros you were asking about.”  

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Brett Davis, intern at Strategies Solutions Inc., embarked on a wild, “totally bitchin’” journey back in time on Thursday morning with the office fax machine. As Davis opened paper tray 3 to fix a mysterious jam, he fell into a temporal wormhole that transported him, along with his copy machine, back to […]