ROSSLYN, VA – Following the discovery of a spider with a unique and irreplaceable life scampering across his kitchen floor, area Buddha Joseph Horn scooped the spider into a mug and released it into his garden. “My girlfriend was trying to get me to just get it with a napkin, but I was like, ‘no […]

DANBURY, CT – One day after giving their father a new pair of Nike running shoes for Father’s Day, the Edelson siblings remained unsure if the gift will inspire exercise as they had orignially hoped. “Yesterday when we told him they were great for jogging he just chuckled and said, ‘Great.’  What does that even mean?” […]

ICC — Georgetown University’s Office of Public Affairs announced earlier today that Intercultural Center architect MC Escher is set to receive a lifetime achievement award for his central role in planning the landmark building.  Vice President of Public Affairs Derrick Tollhouse wrote in a campus-wide e-mail today that “Escher’s crucial input in crafting this perception-warping […]

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HEALY HALL – A representative for the Office of the President told reporters on Monday that President DeGioia is still sure that Jack Sr., the beloved Georgetown mascot who passed away on June 3rd, only left to live on a farm in western Pennsylvania.   Patricia Moore (COL ’16), a summer assistant, said that the […]

photo via FoxNews.com/AP WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has run into trouble employing rhetoric regarding national security, as each reference to the looming threat of domestic terrorist attacks has been met with charmed cooing. The GOP presidential candidate’s emphasis on potential danger has been continually countered by his rosy cheeks and a pubescent […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – DC Mayor Muriel Bowser stated at a press conference Monday afternoon that the city’s law enforcement officials will roll out a new policing plan to legalize only the dopest, black gold chronic. “The council and I are seeing to it that the voice of the people takes priority, which is why any […]

LONDON – Citing each UK male citizen’s “timeless duty to her royal loins,” Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decreed yesterday that she will reinstate the medieval practice of prima nocta, effective immediately. Prima nocta is a lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night. The practice had disappeared from the United Kingdom by […]

HAMILTON, OH – According to a report released Wednesday by researchers at the University of Florida, Islam is now Uncle Drew’s fastest-growing misunderstanding and is likely to overtake The Illegals by 2025. “Family members report a significant uptick in the frequency of forwarded emails about Islamberg, NY and America under Sharia Law,” said the report’s lead author, […]

TULSA, OKLAHOMA – James Lewis (MSB ’18) returned home on Thursday relieved to find that his life away from Georgetown is exactly as empty as he remembered it.   “The entire drive home I was haunted by these images of people in my hometown having plenty of things to do every night, high school acquaintances […]