FOGGY BOTTOM – The State Department indicated that it will be disregarding a distress email it received today, purportedly from a Nigerian presidential candidate.   The email, which bears the subject line “Help! Please read and respond,” arrived in the inbox of Secretary of State John Kerry at approximately 3:37 AM. The author alleges to […]

HEALY FAMILY STUDENT CENTER – An undergraduate “hangout session” was brought to an abrupt, awkward halt when sophomore Julian Hatrnel (SFS ’17) made a “joke” alluding to the alleged incompetency of Vice President of Student Affairs, Dr. Todd Olson.   The “squad” was just kicking back and chilling on the new HFSC patio, which was […]

BALTIMORE—An atom that has existed since the beginning of the universe was stunned and devastated to learn that it will spend the rest of its being as part of a plastic molecule inside a big pink dildo. “It’s hard to believe that I began my existence by witnessing the beginning of everything in the Big […]

A strong political message is gleaned from close examination of this mural, found on campus.  

INDIANAPOLIS – A source close to the team reported that late Saturday night following their devastating loss to the Utes, the Georgetown basketball team requested that their charter plane land briefly in Indianapolis, IN, to steal the NCAA championship trophy.   Coach John Thompson III, whose team hasn’t reached the Sweet Sixteen since 2007, made […]

Hoyas and 3rd graders alike rejoiced following the arrival of Scholastic’s annual book fair.

HEALY CIRCLE – Following the Georgetown Board of Directors’ rejection of their Fossil Fuel Divestment proposal, members of GU Fossil Free announced Wednesday thatthey have set their sights on separating their souls from their bodies in the ultimate act of divestment. “Through concentrated meditation on the Third Eye, we are seeking to transcend our earthly […]

GEORGETOWN—A combination of increased campus construction and freezing winter temperatures have resulted in the fracturing of many on-campus walkways and sidewalks in the Georgetown neighborhood. “The omnipresent pavement cracks has been devastating for student’s mothers, and thousands have been hospitalized for their shattered vertebrae,” said GUPD Chief Jay Gruber. The sons and daughters of the […]

LEAVY CENTER – Citing an “overwhelming feeling of mental anguish,” top prosecutor Dermot Moore (COL ’15) has announced that he will take an indefinite leave of absence from the Georgetown University Mock Trial Team. According to Moore, his conscience is in perpetual conflict with the pretend legal system he has sworn to uphold. Midlands, the […]

WOLFINGTON HALL – The familiar sight of golf carts parked outside Georgetown’s Jesuit residence is nowhere in sight. Instead, these ubiquitous vehicles can now be seen shuttling across campus as part of the Office of Planning and Facilities Management’s latest program, GUber.   Like the company after which it is named, GUber is an app-based […]