BUDAPEST – Syrian refugee Hamid Ashram issued a statement this evening from a temporary holding camp that all he desired was a home to settle down in and establish himself and from which to complain about some future tide of migrants ruining the country. “I come in search of peace and a second chance for […]

HARBIN – In his most recent semi-weekly call home, Joel Keating (C’19) reassured his mother that he has yet to miss a class and has gone to Mass every Sunday so far. Mrs. Keating was worried that her boy, so far away from their Minnesota home, might try beer before he turns 21.   “You […]

  A strong gust of wind managed to disarm the Russian T-14’s of their stealth technology.  Russia has long been suspected of supporting the insurgency in eastern Ukraine through military reinforcements.

“This was, by far, the most disorienting dis-o I’ve ever heard of and I’m lucky to be a part of it,” – Helen Teningham (SFS ’16).  

LEAVEY CENTER – Representatives from McKinsey & Company announced this morning that, in partnership with the Career Center, they would be offering an on-campus workshop to teach prospective employees how to sever ties with any personal moral system or code of ethics. “We pride ourselves on giving our students the best resources to secure a […]

  GUPD was powerless to help H*yas for Choice, as armed combat on horseback is technically protected behavior under Georgetown’s designated “free speech zones”.  

News-in-Pictures: Future Robot Overlords will Remember What You Did to that Universal Remote

WASHINGTON, DC – On Friday morning, U.S. House of Representatives Speaker-Billwriter John Boehner (R-OH) announced he would be “taking a break” from the House of Representatives to work on his own solo legislation projects.  “It’s not about fame, it’s all about creative differences,” said Boehner has he handed flyers to his upcoming self-made appropriations drafts.  “The rest of the […]

WASHINGTON D.C.- As a sign of friendship and a warning to anyone thinking about challenging his infallible might, Pope Frances offered the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception seven holy relics of those who dared cross him in a Catholic mass Wednesday. The relics, consisting of two fingers, two skull fragments, a […]

HARBIN HALL – Following months of “constructive dialogue” between Georgetown University and the surrounding neighborhood, Vice President of Planning and Facilities Robin Morey announced Friday that the university plans to eliminate Georgetown-bound GUTS bus routes by the end of the fall semester. The plan seeks to strand roughly 2,000 students in areas of DC from […]