Georgetown students rejoiced this week following an announcement from Wisemiller’s Grocery & Deli that the store will now be offering free delivery by means of drones. Long a favorite of Georgetown students, “Wisey’s”—as the deli is affectionately called—is famous for its popular sandwiches, including the Burger Madness, the Chicken Madness, and the Hot Chick. Yet […]

Georgetown DPS officers arrested the entire staff of the University Information Services yesterday after it was discovered that the department was in fact a front for a major phishing scam. University administrators estimate that in the last three months, UIS gained access to the personal information of over 3,000 students through a carefully-organized campaign of […]

HARBIN – Preliminary reports indicate that Georgetown student Tim Hopkins (COL ’17), is, for some reason, really excited about staying on campus over Thanksgiving break. In contrast to the vast majority of Hoyas who will be returning home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family and friends, Hopkins will reportedly be spending the entirety of […]

To combat the new H*yas for Choice Condom Delivery Service, which some fear may lead to an increase in instances premarital sex, Georgetown’s Jesuit community is instituting a new rapid-action Abstinence Convincing Service for parties. The Heckler interviewed the director of the program, Fr. Dennis Holligan, SJ, in his office in Wolfington Hall. His office […]

The following excerpts were stolen from the Office of Student Affairs’s “pending disciplinary action” file by the Heckler’s exclusive News Ninjas: Q. Hi there, peer advisor. I’m a new freshman having problems with preregistration, can you help me out? A. Hi there, freshman. Let’s get one thing straight; I’m not your mommy and I’m absolutely […]

The Georgetown community has been rocked by the controversial emergence of the new club, **** for ******. The organization’s mission statement reads that it is committed to ensuring that all **** have access to ******.  The campus has restricted access to ****** in the past but seems to be relenting given the pressure from a growing […]

Recent events surrounding the Georgetown satellite campus have prompted me to speak directly to the Georgetown student body and university administrators. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies. I was deeply saddened to hear that Georgetown University is contemplating the idea of a satellite campus to meet […]

Editorial Note: We at The Heckler like to consider ourselves paragons of serious, high-minded journalism. But we understand that times are changing. In recent years, sites like Buzzfeed have pioneered a new category of web content: the listicle. Now, The Georgetown Heckler has been called a lot of things over the years — unprofessional, lazy, […]

Georgetown University landmark Lauinger Library has been selected as a primary location for a remake of George Orwell’s 1984, sources confirm. One of two remaining examples of New Brutalist architecture left in the District of Columbia, Lauinger’s unrelenting ugliness perfectly conveys the bleakness of Orwell’s dystopian vision. “It really is our dream location,” the director […]

Georgetown student Connor Thompson (SFS ’17) remains in critical condition at Georgetown University Hospital after suffering a life-threatening series of paper cuts during a recent trip to Red Square. Sources say that Thompson, 18, was walking through Red Square when he was assaulted by a mob of students representing various campus organizations, seeking to provide […]