Judge Overturns Brady’s Suspension: “He’s just better than I’ll ever be.”
By Phil Clinton | September 4, 2015
NEW YORK, NY – On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman overturned the NFL’s suspension of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, who had been sanctioned for his alleged knowing use of underinflating footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game, citing his personal inferiority to the Patriots QB. “You’re asking me, regular ol’ Dicky […]
GERMs to Throw Party in Effort to “Cut Out the Middleman”
By Insert Pseudonym Here | September 3, 2015
Normally the last one’s to show up to the party, GERMS, the student-operated emergency medical response team, will be throwing a “primarily ethanol-fueled house banger” in order to reduce their average response time down to 0 minutes. “It’s basic business economics – vertical integration,” explained squad captain Jennifer Knowles (NHS ’15) as she set a […]
NSO’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” Offers Freshmen a Dialogue About Implications of Surrealism on Life In College
By Ed Nonymous | August 31, 2015
GASTON HALL — In an attempt to showcase to first year students the ways in which the early 20th century artistic movement pervades almost every aspect of the undergraduate experience, New Student Orientation’s “Hoya SurrealTalk” staged a 45-minute long exhibition followed by a small group discussion. “I always knew surrealism was going to be a […]
Millennial Frantically Searches for His Own Opinion Following Jon Stewart’s Retirement
By Phil Clinton | August 19, 2015
WASHINGTON, DC – Following the last episode of Comedy Central’s satirical news program The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 23-year-old Louis Miller’s search to re-locate his own opinions seems likely to enter a third week. Miller (COL ’14) reported his sociopolitical beliefs missing only one day after the show’s host Jon Stewart retired from his […]
Outdoor Chimes Performance Welcomes Guest Singer, Boeing 747
By Devyn | August 4, 2015
HEALY LAWN- Claiming that The Georgetown Chimes’ recent outdoor performance “reached new heights,” audience members praised the a cappella group’s recent performance featuring surprise guest vocalist, a Boeing 747. The Baltimore-bound American Airlines flight joined the Chimes on Healy Lawn Thursday evening shortly after departing Ronald Reagan International Airport and stayed for the duration […]
Georgetown Grounds Crew Struggles to Keep University Presentable After Massive PR Shitstorm
By Heckler Staff | July 26, 2015
HEALY HALL — Following a week in which it has come to light that Georgetown has been involved in three separate controversies that include mishandling sexual assault, neglecting racial discrimination, and underfunding psychiatric services, Georgetown University is now steeped in a pile of its own fecal matter. The administration’s streak of confronting serious problems with disproportionately feeble efforts […]
Child Oblivious to Pivotal Role He Will Play in Parents’ Divorce
By Phil Clinton | July 20, 2015
POTOMAC, MD – Despite the estimated quarter million dollars and years of spirit maiming stress he will cost his parents throughout his childhood and adolescence, 7-year-old Jordan Watts remains entirely unaware of his existence being the root cause of his parents’ divorce. Both of Jordan’s parents, Ben and Jillian, have separately corroborated their […]
EDITORIAL: Ted Cruz will win the nomination only if he hibernates in the carved-out belly of an African elephant
By Jared of Nazareth | July 10, 2015
HOUSTON, TX – The field for the Republican primary is crowded with colorful characters from all over the country, but with Jeb Bush marked as the establishment front-runner, it will take serious campaign ingenuity for a contender to leave with the nomination. The primary fight is sure to be brutally competitive, with the strongest […]
