LAUINGER LIBRARY — High-ranking sources within Midnight Mug have confirmed that one of the store’s eleven new hires was released by the coffee shop earlier this week. Upper Management refused further comment but several anonymous employees within The Corp have identified the fired employee as freshman Matthew Green (MSB ’18) and the reason for his […]

RED SQUARE—With GUSA Senate elections under way, candidates have been stepping up their campaigning methods. While flyering around campus and in common rooms continues to dominate empty wall space, freshman candidate Stephen Ford (COL ’18) has reportedly taped himself to the wall in Red Square in an attempt to garner support from passing freshmen. Ford […]

LAU 2 — While scanning for tables to start his Problem of God readings, freshman Charlie Fields (COL ’18) gingerly hovered over a cubicle on the second floor of Lauinger Library unable to determine if an empty bag of Pop Chips was an errant piece of litter or a warning that the devourer of the […]

WEST GEORGETOWN — In a devastating blow to the Georgetown neighborhood association’s movement to restrict the University’s growth, the last Georgetown resident older than the University passed away at the age of 247. Martha Copperfield passed away peacefully early this evening from complications of a case pneumonia contracted after the end of the Great War. […]

The D.C. metropolitian transportation service today welcome its newest metro line: the ‘Fusia’ line. Heckler reporters were on hand to bring pictures back to its readers:  

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL — Doctors from Georgetown Hospital’s General Surgery department described senior finance major Sheila Barnhorn (MSB ’15) as “resting comfortably” on Monday following a two hour surgery to have her creative bone removed. Anxious friends and family were relieved to hear the doctor’s announcement in the waiting room that the routine procedure had […]

THE PENTAGON —Despite months of publicity by Defense and State Department Officials, the premier of the new series of “Syrian Airstrikes,” a spin off of the “Iraq War” was trounced in the ratings Monday night by the NBC variety show “The Voice.” While the premier of season 7 of “The Voice” drew just over 12 […]

WASHINGTON COMMUNITY HOSPICE — Hailed by university administrators as a lucrative way to increase Leo O’Donovan Hall’s market share, posters reading “It’s Never too Late for a Meal Plan” have recently been placed in every room of the Washington Community Hospice.   “It really is never too late for a meal plan,” remarked Karrie Kuntz, […]

HARBIN — Reversing course after weeks of mounting pressure from his roommate and visitors to his seventh floor Harbin room, freshman Isaac Dulles (SFS ’18) moved on Monday to unilaterally authorize Febreze strikes against the mounting pile of dirty laundry in the corner of his room. Although initially opposed to such action, Dulles relented after […]

WASHINGTON — The NFL suspended the Washington Redskin’s name indefinitely on Sunday following the revelation of a shocking Wikipedia article linking the word “redskin” to the 522 year-long brutal oppression of Native Americans.   National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell reversed course after 82 years of unsanctioned activity by the team and told reporters Monday […]