Exchange Student from Ocean Not Doing Too Well
By Devyn | September 1, 2014
HEALEY LAWN — Expressing concern for the mental and physical wellbeing of her new roommate, junior Jennifer Lemieux (MSB ‘16) recently lamented that exchange student Fish may not be adjusting well to her study abroad semester at Georgetown University. “She’s super quiet, and I’m pretty sure that she’s just been laying on Healy Lawn since […]
Freshman Hitting On Each Other Pretending They Weren’t Complete Nerds in High School
By Ed Nonymous | August 31, 2014
NEW SOUTH — Over the din of the twenty three person party in New South dormitory 349 it became increasingly clear to outside observers that freshmen Nate Schumer (COL ’18) and Bridget Friedland (SFS ’18) were successfully concealing the fact they were large nerds in high school while hitting on each other. “Can I get […]
Freshman From Trenton Says He’s “From NYC Area”
By Ed Nonymous | August 30, 2014
HARBIN — Citing an abundance of evidence of anti-New Jersey stigma amongst his peers Freshman Clayton Peters (COL ’18) began telling all he encountered he hails from the “NYC area.” “Listen, I’m just trying to sound the slightest bit cultural and original here,” said Peters who lives one hour and twenty minutes in current traffic […]
Ask a Freshman Attending His First College Party
By Ed Nonymous | August 29, 2014
Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party, I’m a first year here at Georgetown and I really haven’t gotten to go out that much on the weekends since I’ve been here. When I have gone out though, there doesn’t seem to be that much happening and I have trouble getting into any place since I […]
Sophomore’s Facebook Post Ends Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
By Ed Nonymous | August 28, 2014
POTOMAC, MD — In a swift turn of events Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Hama’s Khaled Meshaal agreed to an immediate cessation of hostilities and tentatively agreed in principle to a lasting two state solution between Israel and Palestine in large part to a social media post made by sophomore Anita Howard (SFS ’17). […]
Surgeon General Reports Diet and Exercise Canʼt Significantly Postpone Graduation
By Ed Nonymous | August 28, 2014
WASHINGTON — In a damning blow to rising seniorʼs hopes that they can exercise some control over their date of graduation, the surgeon general released a report stating that “diet and exercise are almost entirely uncorrelated in postponing the inevitability of graduation. The two page document, released Monday to senior audiences eager to learn how they can avoid graduation, […]