WASHINGTON — Local junior Jessica Harding (COL ’16) released a statement yesterday that she is “just too busy” to deal with the crushing weight of responsibility she feels on a daily basis.   “I thought I could handle taking on another activity,” said Harding in an exclusive interview, “but it looks like I am going […]

ALLENTOWN — While many Georgetown Students venturing home this Thanksgiving are preparing for a barrage of questions from family members, one freshman has devised a way to avoid talking to Aunt Jen about the quality of food at the dining hall and his relationship status for two consecutive hours.   Andrew Smallman (COL  ‘18) arrived […]

NEW SOUTH — While packing her suitcase for Thanksgiving vacation, freshman Miranda Frankel (COL ’18) expressed her relief for the chance to “get home and stress over family shit, for a change.”   Frankel, exhausted from an arduous semester of transitioning to college life, said she has been dying for a break at her troubled […]

REAGAN AIRPORT — Earlier today in Terminal B’s security checkpoint TSA Agent Danny Carmichael informed First Grader Abby Davis in what witnesses called a “fun-loving” cartoon voice that he was imminently about to pat her down in search of explosives. Witnesses described the voice Carmichael used as being “somewhat of a mesh between Spongebob and […]

VILLAGE C EAST —  As funds have recently become available the Georgetown Department of Public Safety has upgraded to the latest in on-campus crime prevention: 12-Speed Huffy Bikes.   Georgetown’s most notable crime syndicates, the Mazzetti Family, Los Gatos Crew, and those skecthy emo kids who smoke outside of Lau sometimes, have been rumored to […]

YOUR RESIDENCE — In the throes of passionate copulation happening a floor above your room, local couple Lauren French (SFS ’17) and Mike Powell (COL ’17) paused to confirm with The Heckler that they were in dirty, dirty heaven.   “There are no words to describe how hot the past eighteen minutes have been,” said […]