VILLAGE A — After the passage of the marijuana legalization ballot initiative thrust the District to the forefront of a nationwide movement, Georgetown students reportedly celebrated this week by getting “totally wasted” on an assortment of alcoholic beverages.    The initiative, which passed with a strong majority, was welcomed by students taking shots and shotgunning beers. […]

HEALY — A group of Georgetown students pulled of a major heist this weekend in what is being called “the biggest prank of the decade”. The unknown group of students in question managed to steal the hands of President DeGioia.   In a statement released from Vice President of Student Affairs Todd Olson, DeGioia reportedly […]

RED SQUARE  — Tensions escalated yesterday in the ongoing conflict between the Chinese Student Alliance (CSA) and the Taiwanese Student Association (TSA). Belligerent posturing by the CSA as the two groups were tabling in Red Square prompted a university response when President DeGioia dispatched a squad of campus police as a deterrent force against any […]

HENLE VILLAGE — Dealing with a 17 year old inquiry, Georgetown University Maintenance reportedly has not yet received the necessary part to fix the broken VCR in Henle 75.   The complaint was filed with maintenance in 1997 by student Robert Millard (COL ’98), a resident of the apartment at the time while he and […]

NEW SOUTH – Stating that he considers himself a hero regardless of the actual circumstance, freshman Danny Waters (COL ‘18) recently leapt into action to save his seizing roommate, Bill Canton (SFS ‘18), only to discover that Canton was “just jackin’ it, get the fuck off me, I’m not having a seizure, just get the […]

LAU 2– Sophomore Madeline Schmidt (SFS ’17) was reportedly seen Monday night on the second floor of Lauinger Library cramming for Tuesday’s midterm elections. Schmidt said she was “gonna get around real soon” to researching Tom Cotton’s monetary policy after “a quick Facebook sesh” and that she was trying to begin understanding the implications of the Hobby Lobby case for this year’s election […]

RED SQUARE — ICC 218 overflowed with students on Tuesday night, gathered to attend the first Islamic State in the Levant-U interest meeting of the semester and share refreshments provided by the fledgling club. ISIL-U, a new network of college-level ISIL chapters, had ordered pizza for 60 attendees – which ended up being a vast […]

WALSH – Citing widespread crop failures, Jeffrey Collins (SFS ’17) allegedly asked Professor Ephraim Mizrahi to be excused from his midterm on Thursday morning in Introduction to Biblical Literature.   Collins wrote in an email to his professor that “the wrath of the almighty has swept down upon me and left the fields a barren […]

LAU — Calling it a “huge blown opportunity”, sophomore Jason Wells (COL ’17) forgot to tell his peers about spending last Saturday afternoon in Lauinger Library. Wells said he is “really upset” that he missed “such a great opportunity” to feign self-discipline and commitment to academics to his peers.   “The amount of pity I could […]