HEALY HALL — With his hopes that someone would have dropped a hint enlightening him to his position’s responsibilities or duties thus far unfilled, Executive Assistant Vice President of Digital Strategies Craig Bannon told the Heckler that it was “way too late” in the year to ask his supervisor what he is supposed to be […]

M STREET — Citing a desire to “completely overhaul” the image of ShopHouse, management of the chain unveiled a massive rebranding campaign in which the South Asian dining location will now be known as “Asian Chipotle.” With sales lower than anticipated over a month and a half into the school year, the chain reportedly scrapped […]

LAU 2 — To the amazement of those surrounding him, Sophomore Ian Simmons (COL ’17) worked interrupted on a paper for over five consecutive minutes on the second floor of Lauinger Library Tuesday night. Flaunting “inhuman” levels of self-control Simmons reportedly, for six minutes and two seconds, resisted perusing an unlimited amount and variety of […]

FRONT GATES — As the moon shines over Georgetown on Friday night, GUPD officers and H*yas for Choice members will be prepping to resolve a long-standing dispute. The rival gangs, after recent heated arguments over campus territory, plan to work out their disagreements in a rumble under Key Bridge. “We ain’t lookin’ to kill or […]

ICC 103— More than a month and a half into the new school year, reports have emerged the Junior Mark Caravan (COL ’16) still cannot properly associate the color of his notebooks with what course they represent. Caravan reportedly is unable to correctly identify which of his five notebooks correspond to any of his classes […]

LAUINGER LIBRARY – The famous Joseph Mark Lauinger Memorial Library has been a forced institution on Georgetown’s campus since 1967. Known for its grey exterior and Nixon-era interior, “Lau” has continued to impress upon the young minds of first years and visitors if they managed to slip past the security guards, a new entrance has […]

The Hoya reported Tuesday that an incredible new study shows the single most appealing qualification for highly sought banking and consulting jobs is job experience as a barista. For Georgetown students seeking the soul-sucking plunge into the churn-and-burn world of depravity that is Wall Street, this is good news. The findings of the study assuaged […]