HEALY HALL – After months of discussions between the two sides, representatives for the Bipartisan Anti-Hair Legion of DeGioia (BALD) have officially announced that negotiations to salvage university president John DeGoia’s hairline will be suspended indefinitely. “We’ve been locked in discussions with The Hair Is Not A Neglected Issue Now, DeGoia (THINNING) to reach an […]

BOSTON – A team of physicians at MIT has released the results of a comprehensive study that found the controversial practice of cracking knuckles pretty fucking annoying. “We analyzed data from thousands of people and came definitively to the conclusion that cracking your knuckles is goddamn irritating,” said lead researcher Jean Bidault. “Reports from strangers […]

HEALY HALL – In a landmark decision announced late Friday night, the Department of Public Safety voted to replace all student guards stationed at each Georgetown residence hall with the bouncers of the popular weekend revelry venue, Brown House.   The decision comes as a result of the recent spike in campus burglaries, exposures, and […]

CARIBBEAN—This past Thursday, historians uncovered what they have determined to be the study abroad blog written in 1492 by Christopher Columbus on the topic of his travel to and discovery of the Americas. “Almost every blog entry includes a portrait of Columbus with an alcoholic beverage and a scenic backdrop,” noted Richard Dulles, one of […]

NEW YORK CITY – Presidential Hopeful Bernie Sanders was seen early yesterday morning taking an eight-pound sledgehammer to the south corner of the 14 Wall Street Building. After vigorously attempting to compromise the building using only his own two bloodied hands, police escorted him away from area.   Onlookers described Sanders as being bright red […]

BUDAPEST – Syrian refugee Hamid Ashram issued a statement this evening from a temporary holding camp that all he desired was a home to settle down in and establish himself and from which to complain about some future tide of migrants ruining the country. “I come in search of peace and a second chance for […]

HARBIN – In his most recent semi-weekly call home, Joel Keating (C’19) reassured his mother that he has yet to miss a class and has gone to Mass every Sunday so far. Mrs. Keating was worried that her boy, so far away from their Minnesota home, might try beer before he turns 21.   “You […]

  A strong gust of wind managed to disarm the Russian T-14’s of their stealth technology.  Russia has long been suspected of supporting the insurgency in eastern Ukraine through military reinforcements.

“This was, by far, the most disorienting dis-o I’ve ever heard of and I’m lucky to be a part of it,” – Helen Teningham (SFS ’16).  

LEAVEY CENTER – Representatives from McKinsey & Company announced this morning that, in partnership with the Career Center, they would be offering an on-campus workshop to teach prospective employees how to sever ties with any personal moral system or code of ethics. “We pride ourselves on giving our students the best resources to secure a […]