From the editor’s desk: As the Heckler’s founding credo succinctly states, we are here in part to facilitate a campus-wide dialogue about important issues both locally and nationally. In the interest of transparency and propelling forward these important conversations brought about by our uncompromising journalism, we felt it would be best to share some of […]

REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.   Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”   According to witnesses […]

HARBIN — Sources close to Brandon Weisglass (NHS ’18) revealed earlier today that those within his inner circle congratulated him for another night of behavior symptomatic of alcoholism.   Weisglass, whose memory of the night ends around 9:15 pm due too excessive alcohol intake, was informed that he violently threw up on two occasions, danced […]

THE COMMENTS SECTION – Amongst the chaos of the internet storm erupting from recent trials, internet commenter BONERPILLZ__xo90 has offered insightful commentary about race relations on chat forums across the web. “The promulgation of racially charged stereotypes has created a hyperreality in which media impedes truth seeking and polarizes the masses to see issues in […]

MCCARTHY —  After weeks of tense negotiations, prominent College Republican Member Michael Applebee (MSB ’17) has successfully negotiated the privatization of McCarthy 5’s common room.   The deal, hailed by small-government advocates and conservatives alike, has led to the common room name to be changed to the CAPITAL ONE Space for Long Term Prosperity.   […]

DARNALL—On Saturday morning, two freshmen were reportedly seen engaging in an intense argument in the Darnall 5 common room over who destroyed the men’s communal restroom handicap stall.   Two freshmen, Brad Sartz (MSB ‘18) and Dylan Wazzabi (SFS ‘18) were seen throwing fists for the rights to claim credit for the enormous amount of […]

HENLE — As part of a recent overhaul for the university’s mental health service to deal with the stress of finals week, students can now purchase photographs of themselves taken during the CAPS counseling session.   The decision comes after years of consistent criticism of CAPS counseling services.   Students who have visited CAPS often report […]

EPICUREAN – Representatives for Epicurean and Co. Restaurant (known colloquially as Epi) recently announced that they would be raising the prices of their quesadillas to $25 during peak drunk hours of one to four AM.   “We saw this as a great opportunity to set the price of our quesadillas to what we think they […]