THE VATICAN – Pope Francis was reportedly “bewildered” today when a package containing the Healy clock hands turned up on his doorstep.   “That’s weird; I don’t remember ordering anything from Amazon,” the 77-year-old pontiff was heard to remark as he examined the UPS box left outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae.   After carrying the […]

  VERIZON CENTER —  Georgetown junior D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera was one of five college basketball players named First Team All-“Hyphenated Last Name” on Wednesday evening, an honor recognized as one of the sport’s best. The junior guard was joined by Kentucky’s Willie Cauley-Stein, Georgia Tech’s Marcus Georges-Hunt, Indiana’s Hanner Mosquera-Parea, and, Michigan freshman Muhammad-Ali Abdur Rahkman […]

HEALY — Under direct recommendation from the Vatican, Georgetown administration has decided to lift its ban on the sale of condoms to Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS, ‘15) who is currently engaging in a “concerning amount” of sex on campus.   Director of Student Health Services, Matthew Anderson, said that the current barrier to acquiring […]

CAPITOL HILL — As the date fast approaches when the 114th Congress will be sworn in, leaving the leadership of both Houses in the hands of Republicans, Senate Democrats are making a last resort effort to maintain their majority by rushing a Time Machine bill through their lame-duck session.   The bill, which is expected […]

HEALY — Following the theft of the iconic but largely symbolic Healy tower clock hands, Amish Student Union President Jacob Hershberger (COL ’16) reported that the group has “completely” lost track of the time. “We were supposed to assemble at 3:30 to build a new barn on Kehoe field, but that plan has fallen apart […]

VERIZON CENTER — Taking note of just how many Hoyas were scrambling to secure tickets for tomorrow’s home game against the #11 Kansas Jayhawks, John Thompson III reported that he was feeling “elated” he had secured a seat a mere few feet from the action.  “Kansas is a great basketball program. As a fan of […]

RED SQUARE—Noting that there are many other, less-likely-to-carry-unwelcome-responsibility-to-full-term fish in the sea, sophomore Ben Storch (Col ’16) reportedly reminded himself Tuesday not to sleep with that cute girl tabling for Vita Saxa.  “She can believe what she wants, I’m a feminist after all, but taking that girl back to my dorm is seriously tempting fate,” […]