SCIENCE – According to chobanipropoganda.gov, that watery substance atop your Greek yogurt isn’t water at all. The liquid is actually whey, a protein that naturally separates out of dairy products. Everytime someone cracks open a fresh tub of Fagé and says, “Ew why is there always water on top,” not only are they wrong, they are […]

Georgetown University – Hello? Hello!? Is anyone here? This isn’t funny anymore guys, I’m really starting to worry. Everyone can come out now. I’m flattered that everyone knows when my half-birthday is, but I don’t think it warrants a surprise party of this magnitude. I haven’t seen anyone in four days, and I’ve looked all over. […]

As Saturday night came to a close, many Hoyas retreated from the Vil A rooftops after a night fraught with regrettable behavior. Sophomore Eugene Hicks (COL ‘22) was chief amongst this group, because he really shit the bed. Soon after he arrived, Samantha Jennings (NHS ‘22) recognized Hicks from her economics class, and asked for […]

GENEVA – In its most recent published report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) confirmed that the globe is indeed heating up, but for some rather sultry reasons. Quite surprisingly, Mother Earth is “somewhat turned on” at the prospect of being completely ravaged by the human race. After years of abuse, the climate believes […]

For many Georgetown Students (probably around 50%, but who’s to say), trips to the bathroom often involve an awkward silence shared with adjacent urinal users. Those looking to break the ice and form meaningful connections, no matter the scenery, can lead with the following:   “Wow, powerful stream!” Leading with a compliment is a great […]

Georgetown men’s basketball suffered a tough loss to Penn State last week, further distancing them from a top 25 position in the NCAA. There is, though, a silver lining to be taken from the beginning of the season. Georgetown players have combined for more total shoe wipe-offs than any other collegiate program. The team averages […]

KENSINGTON, LONDON– The Heckler has learned that London billionaire financier George Ainsworth still loves to eat gruel. Since his stunning financial success, Ainsworth has traded out his breeches and tattered newsboy cap for Ferragamo ties and Louboutin loafers; he’s replaced his dilapidated wooden pushcart for a cobalt blue Ferrari spider–yet, he still eats gruel three […]

This Saturday night, a hairball fight broke out at a local barbershop slumber party. Lewis Chortle, proprietor of Lewis’ Barbershop, said that the fight began around 11:00 PM, directly after Chortle and his staff finished playing truth or dare. “Every year, I invite the coolest amongst my staff to a sleepover at the shop for […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. The Georgetown Genetics department released a report Monday that 50% of Hoyas inbreed with other Hoyas. After years of research, the research team has produced the first comprehensive account of the heinous side effects of Hoyas’ high intermarriage rate. The research team was headed by Dr. Lucas Sullivan, director of the Genetics department […]

Only hath we seen six new years pass round since our hero’s death, Yet ye sinners hath already forgotten him and returned to lechery. Thus, I return ye now to that day, upon which we found him dead In his corral.   Lonesome George they called him; And yet how lonesome is he now, sinners?! […]