Photo via sodahead.com   LEO’S – After gently spreading a layer of peanut butter on his toast, Sophomore Brett Davies (MSB ‘17) reportedly applied Nutella to that same piece of toast Tuesday morning  in an act of gross overindulgence.   Witnesses at the scene registered shock at Davies breach of toast decorum. “Look, we have […]

NEBRASKA- Following the revelations that the 268,738 residents of Lincoln, Nebraska were simply illusions, authorities have declared the supposed state capital to be entirely fictional. “It was a good game while it was on, but eventually you get rusty and make a few slips,” said man behind the hoax Albert The Amazing Magic Man, as […]

DENVER, CO – Following the discovery of three hikers’ frozen corpses on a remote mountain slope, the Coors Brewing Company announced today that it will present all three hikers with its prestigious Rocky Mountain Cold Award.   “We wanted to honor these brave individuals who experienced levels of cold only paralleled by the feeling of […]

ANAHEIM- Disneyland visitors were treated to a special interactive amusement park attraction last weekend as they took part in a historical reenactment of a measles outbreak. Many customers were excited to experience the deadly disease in real life. Joe Grawson, a park visitor, said, “Seeing such a famous viral infection spread from unvaccinated child to […]

LANZHOU, CHINA – Junior Emma Kadinsky (SFS ‘16) flew 6830 miles by airplane last weekend from New York to China to teach local villagers the urgency of reducing energy use in the face of climate change. “Even though it took over 48 hours of traveling, I’m super happy to be here and to be able […]

YATES — Newly hired Men’s Cross-Country Coach Greg Winters expressed disappointment about the team’s performance to reporters after a NCAA tournament Tuesday morning. “Well I thought we’d at least be at the Mississippi at this point in the season, but it seems as if we just keep going in circles. I’d hate to not reach […]

REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.   Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”   According to witnesses […]

DARNALL — Freshman Grace Fields (NHS ’18) issued a statement Monday morning to members of the press saying she “Couldn’t be happier at Georgetown. I love the amazing location, the interesting faculty, and the sexual energy I feel from the hundreds of email listservs I signed up for.”   As she opened her inbox to […]

RED SQUARE – Witnesses confirmed Wednesday afternoon that Keith Hansen (SFS ’17) followed a trail of pizza slices leading to a large cardboard box propped up with a stick that subsequently collapsed, trapping the Georgetown student under the box.   Onlookers corroborated reports that Hansen was seen at approximately 2 p.m. frantically picking up slices […]

WALSH – Citing widespread crop failures, Jeffrey Collins (SFS ’17) allegedly asked Professor Ephraim Mizrahi to be excused from his midterm on Thursday morning in Introduction to Biblical Literature.   Collins wrote in an email to his professor that “the wrath of the almighty has swept down upon me and left the fields a barren […]