GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, D.C.-Last Thursday ambitious plans were revealed for Jack the Bulldog’s tomb, including an elegant adjoining burial chamber for Jack the Bulldog’s cherished student walkers. An enthused office of advancement rep. explained the rationale behind the ambitious project, “Look, we know death is a tough topic for a lot of Hoyas, but the reality […]
SPORTS RECAP: Apparently there was a basketball game or something this week, but all Hoyas truly in the loop knew that only one battle of stamina and wills captivated the Hilltop. On Sunday night, first-years Maddy Bernard (MSB ‘23) and Anjali Joshi (COL ‘23) found themselves preparing for bed on Darnall 6 at roughly the […]
A recent study from Georgetown Residential Living revealed the disappointing statistic that only 20% of roommates who meet on CHARMS go on to room together for the rest of college, fall madly in love, and have gorgeous destination weddings. “This is obviously not what we were going for when we established CHARMS.” said Bill […]
Speaking out for the first time, representatives of Georgetown Admissions relayed their shock that applicants have been subverting the carefully upheld process of institutionalized bribery for alternative methods. “Like the rest of you, we were absolutely devastated by this news. As the gatekeepers to the university, we take admissions processes seriously and believed we had […]
SAVANNAH, GA–Reflecting on recent years the Grand Marble Staircase noted that it had been absolutely ages since it had last felt the gentle swish of a descending debutante on its steps. When pressed for details the staircase reflected, “My, my well it must’ve been 23? 24? I remember it distinctly because the fashion at the […]
NEW YORK- After a thrilling 89-78 victory over St. John’s this past Sunday, the Georgetown Men’s Basketball team is looking more and more like a squad that could possibly be one of the teams that narrowly misses a slot in the NCAA Tournament. “I really like how our guys are playing right now” coach Pat […]
THE NORTH POLE – After a vague directive from Santa to “wrap it up”, elves are reporting rising levels of confusion, frustration as they try and determine if the order was intended to encourage more gift packaging or halt the process altogether. Shift Supervisor Scout McStuffins offered some insight explaining, “Look, elves are naturally a […]
HEALY LAWN – While most agree that those little memorials on Healy lawn are probably related to some sort of tragedy or cause, students admitted that the sign was just a little too far from the path to actually read it. Most students have agreed that they feel generally sad when they glance at it, but […]
WASHINGTON, DC. It’s as we all suspected: every Uber driver on Earth is just on one, big conference call. Drivers report that the purpose of the conference call is to have a big old laugh at all the rich idiots using the service. As one Uber driver, Daniel McTorrley, stated, “whenever you see one of […]
NEW SOUTH. In his semi-annual return to campus, campus’s very own Bill “Big Dog” Clinton was reported to have been smoking marijuana with current students. Returning from Hoya Snaxa with sour spaghetti and a slim jim, our reporters were able to secure a quick interview with the former president. “Shit’s a lot stronger now,” said […]