The Office of Residential Living has just announced this afternoon that, due to a sudden and unforeseen lack of space on campus, each respective Class of 2026 NSO group will just live together in a single first year dorm room. When questioned as to how this was so unforeseen, and why the hell they were […]
This morning, DeGioia’s isolation room in the university hotel was found empty by his female followers who had come to pay respects. According to Catherine Armour and Ranit Mishori, who had come sealed by a large rock and guarded by two mask monitors, they found the rock cast aside and his room empty. Asked what […]
The sweet shouts of exuberance And promis’d hot chocolate’s innocence Crowd the clouds and aloft birds’ wings, As the blissful bask in their swings. You will never ever (ever!)1 Feel this. Curs’d to only endeavor For borrowed wist, lensed memory By knowing that Frankenweenie Was Released a decade ago When you were eleven or so. […]
In a letter addressed with the Provost’s name before the Chief Public Health Officer (always a good sign when receiving health policy updates!), Provost Groves announced the following changes to university spitting-in-each-others-mouths policy: Based on recent low rates of spit-in-mouth-based illness on campus, the university has decided to adopt a “Spit-Optional Policy.” Students will now, […]
Don’t have much time. Phone broke, needed new one. Duo sent email — “We know what you did.” Received push notification, “Are you ready to die?” Knocking on my door, man yelling “Security checkup.” He had a katana, not sure sword necessary for security checkup, seemed suspicious, ran away. Been hiding in Walsh tunnels for […]
As confusion over certification and election rules have plagued the GUSA Presidential election these past few days, an unlikely voice of the people has risen — Juan Guaidó. This Monday, Former guy-who-asserted-he-was-president-of-Venezuela-without- a-clear-reason-but-was-supported-by-America-which-is-not-usually-a-good-sign-in- South-America, Juan Guaidó, declared in front of a crowd of ethnically German Latin Americans who suddenly appeared on campus and all have […]
“Now listen, I think the best way for you all to understand the material is by talking about and figuring it out amongst yourselves, not just getting lectured at by a boring old man,” said Professor Elroy to his ENGL 207 class. Attempting to get the discussion started, sophomore Melissa Alderman began to suggest that […]
Jack the Bulldog was pulled over by the MPD this Saturday while driving his teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy Toyota Tacoma (so cute!) at 10:34 PM. He was subsequently taken into custody after refusing to take a breathalyzer or field sobriety test — and he continued to refuse any test while in custody. The Heckler’s sources in the […]
Feeling existentially lost? Doubting any just creator could preside over a world so disparate yet still essentially awful? Me too. Or at least I was, until I listened to Ween’s album The Mollusk while absolutely tripping my face off. Now all I think about is how we’re all just one cosmic orgasm made of stardust […]
Rough. Rugged. Masculine. Marlboro Man. I know exactly what image these words conjure in your mind: me studying in Lau 2 on a Friday night. But our library has been sissified by the cowards in administration. Appeals to liberal nonsense like “secondhand smoke” and “obnoxious odor disrupting other students” are being used to deny me […]