THE SUPERMARKET – Even the hundreds of adults in the local Safeway felt the sexual tension in the room shoot through the roof when high school acquaintances Mark Stevenson and Julia Ramos made eye contact in the produce aisle.    “It was weird,” said Stevenson, still sweating profusely. “Like, I’ve never given her a second […]

JESUIT COMMUNITY CEMETERY – On All Hallows Eve, as legend holds, spirits of the dead can once again inhabit the earth. Some will find for a soul to spook, others will look for a loved one, and still others will engage in some of the earthly pleasures they enjoyed while living. The Jesuits, however, took […]

    It’s finally October, and you know what that means! Trader Joe’s has those super cheap pumpkins in stock (both the orange and spooky, white varieties), and when fall rolls around punkins=chunked..   We’re finally giving you what you’ve all been waiting for: it’s The Heckler’s annual list of the best roofs for pun’kin […]

  In this world, you can be one of two things: a hottie lamattie or a cutie patootie. Which will you be? Take this quiz to find out!   (1.) Your alarm goes off. You’ve set it wrong, and you don’t have class for another hour and a half. What do you do?   Get […]

DARNALL — A dusty Darnall bookshelf was finally put to use recently as Adam Hitchcock (COL ‘23) arrived on move-in day with way more books than he was ever realistically gonna get through. While the sheer masculinity of removing the books from his suitcase and placing them on his bookcase certainly impressed his roommate’s parents, […]

WASHINGTON– Ah, Fall is finally in the air! After a hot and humid September, Washingtonians rejoice as cooler weather is finally upon us. Temperatures dropped down to the high fifties last night, which certainly must have been a surprise for any scantily-clad late-night partygoers. Today looks to be our first truly autumnal day with a […]

HARBIN — Confused apprehension filled the halls of Harbin this weekend as freshman roommate pair Jack Archer (COL ‘23) and David Stenchman (SFS ‘23) reportedly got into a passive, yet heated discussion about the positioning of their beds. An anonymous source reports to The Heckler that, ignoring suggestions to simply bunk the beds, David really […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Democratic House leadership announced today that they were putting an immediate hold on any impeachment-related inquiries in order to focus on what they called “much more pressing issues.”   “Some things just take precedence over impeachment,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “namely, the question that has haunted my dreams for the […]

NEW SOUTH—Jane Bakers (NHS ’23) moved into her New South dorm this fall ready to make new friends. But she wasn’t Jane Bakers. She was Natasha Birmingham (MSB ’23), and she was cool. James Hood (SFS ’21), The Heckler’s resident cool person, described her as, “the next big thing.” People love her name. They love […]

  YATES FIELD HOUSE – After a successful pre-dawn workout in which he utterly annihilated his bi’s, tri’s, and quad’s, Yates hunk Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, again, no relation) powerfully strode from the front doors of Yates to the steps, where he paused for a moment to take it all in.   As day broke […]